A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Like most of my posts, this could be triggering to those that have suffered from physical or emotional abuse.

Dear Annalise,

It hurts me to write you this letter knowing already that you will receive it six years too late. Regardless-- there are things that I wish to share with you.

You are worth so much more than you think. Your limiting beliefs regarding your self worth and capabilities have such a strong hold on you. No amount of reassurance will make you realize this yet, and you're going to settle for way less than you deserve. And you're going to settle a lot... because you don't even know that you're settling. 

You are going to make A LOT of dumb, impulsive, naive, and misinformed decisions. These decisions will lead to heavy consequences and looking back you will realize that they were mistakes. You will always realize, in hindsight, that the feeling you had before making the poor choice was your intuition telling you no. You will continue to push that voice away to receive instant gratification, pleasure, fun, and excitement. You will take a very, very long time to learn to TRUST that voice and to stop pushing it away. Even when you learn what that voice is you will struggle to listen. You're still struggling with that as you read this. Sorry 'bout it.

You are about to face the absolute best but absolute worst years of your life. The next three and a half years of college will be quite hard, but mainly carefree, blissful and FUN. College will be the best time you've experienced so far.. Don't get too excited. You will then be faced with the hardest year and a half of your life thus far. Be prepared and never give up. Sounds cheesy...but really, I'm getting to the good part eventually. Remember this: when you make it through that awful time, you will again be on the upswing.

You are going to encounter people that change you so much. You'll make best friends and lose best friends. You are going to be surrounded with several toxic people, and a handful of amazing people. You are going to think you're happy doing certain things and will later realize that you probably (read: definitely) weren't so happy after all. 

You're going to be emotionally abused. You won't recognize it as abuse and you'll continue to allow it in your life. You'll let that tear you apart until your soul is so lost that your worth is at 0% battery. When you finally break free, you'll be physically abused. You'll be sexually abused more times than one. More than two, even. That will be suffocating and that will stick with you for years before you fully process what even happened to you. I hate to mention it now, but you're still working on that one.

You're going to fall in love and be in a very supportive relationship. You'll be happier than you've ever been... You're going to be certain that he's the one. But he won't be. No, really. I know you can't fathom that at 19, 20, or 21 years old after a three year relationship--but he wasn't the one for you. He was in your life for a reason and certainly a season but you need to let go when it inevitably all comes crashing down. 

You are going to struggle a lot with an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression from 17 to 22. You're going to learn how strong you are by learning where you are weak. You will learn to identify your values as a human and you will learn that working toward your values every day will bring you closer to your true self. You will overcome these things and continue to work on them for life. Yes, you will. I promise. 

Eventually when you are almost at the age of 23 you will experience utmost serenity. You will feel a tranquil oneness--oneness with yourself. Oneness with your purpose, spirituality and the people and environment around you. You will realize that you have made it through hell and that even if you have to keep going, you can always make it through. You will become independent in every sense of the word--you will inspire others. You will use your empathy to make the world a kinder place. (You also will let your empathy turn you into an emotional sponge so be careful when you walk into a room...)

You will learn that the energy of others GREATLY affects you, and you will learn to carefully allot time to those individuals that enhance your positive energy and less time with those who drain you and drag you down. You will spend a lot of time figuring out what truly invigorates your soul and try to connect with how you were as a child. Blissful innocence. 

You will battle with quite a few health problems in the upcoming years, girl. But you always overcome them. I'm telling you right now--even the times that you technically have no heartbeat and your body should not be alive you WILL live. So don't let it scare you.

You will find yourself lying on the floor bawling too many times for me to count right now or ever. You'll also find yourself staring at a razor blade...deciding on a bottle of pills, and frantically trying to keep your car straight on the freeway so as not to crash into the divider as your brain desperately orders you to end it all. 

You're going to feel psychotic and messed up most of this time. Maybe you are. But maybe you are just the only one talking about it. Maybe you'll realize, in sharing your struggles, that there are so many others dealing with all of this same stuff, after all. Maybe you'll realize that we've been programmed as a society to do certain things and act a certain way and inevitably spend months trying to deprogram your brain from the way it was taught like Pavlov's dog what is "right" and what is "wrong". What is acceptable vs. what is unacceptable. What is fake vs. what is real. (Essentially you'll be in a state of existential crisis most of the time. It's fine.)

(All of those maybes are DEFINITELYS.)

Don't let this letter scare you. As I sit here writing this I have fought off the demons that had such an indomitable hold on me for the past few years. I sit here as a different person. I feel peace and joy and love. I AM peace, joy, and love. 

I wish I could have given you this letter sooner, Annalise...but unfortunately, I had to live it before I could write about it. Buckle up and get ready. 

Love,

Annalise

Read This If You're Falling Behind in Life

I know the feeling. The feeling that everyone else is ahead of you. The feeling that everyone else is doing big, fantastic things with their lives but you aren't. 

This feeling comes and goes for me--sometimes it is subtle, and other times it's almost unbearable.

I started college at 17, and even when I graduated in only 3 1/2 years I felt like everyone else was still ahead of me. I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I felt like I wouldn't ever be enough, and my constant trying was of no use.

Now as I see friends and old classmates my age and even younger getting married, starting families, traveling the world...the feeling of not being as far along in my life as I should be intensifies.

I should be married! (Thinks the girl with no boyfriend.) I want babies! (Thinks the girl who can't keep a plant alive.) I want to travel the world and see amazing places while I'm young! (Thinks the girl who has been ill for 6 months, barely able to leave bed some days.)

I'm about to tell you something only because I need to remind myself.

We all have different stories. We all are shaped by different events in our life--those we choose, and also those that choose us. It would be impossible for every single person to be on the same life path.

Aside from the fact that social media makes others' lives appear perfectly seamless, put-together, and successful, there is also the reality that they're just different.

Can you imagine how boring it would be if you walked into a library full of books, only to find that every single book was exactly the same? The books looked different, sure, but upon opening each and every book you found that the words were identical--the stories the same. 

Those people who get married at 19 aren't any 'farther along in life' than the person who is still in college working toward a degree. They're also not farther along than the person who is still saving to go to college, or even the person that decided college wasn't for them.

The person who gets a 9-5 job straight out of college isn't farther along in life than the person who decides to take a year off to travel the world. They're also not farther along than the person who spends a year doing countless interviews but can't seem to catch a break.

Those that struggle with addiction, illness, injuries, and traumatic life changes are not miles behind those who are coasting along. They're just in the middle of their story's conflict. Like any good story, the resolution will come.

There is no such thing as being 'far ahead' or 'farther along' in life because we cannot read the whole story yet. I always was the kid reading ahead to the end of the book, so this really bums me out.

There is no sense in feeling like we should be doing more, accomplishing more, or be at a different place in our lives because that's simply not how it works. (Sorry.)

I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals, work hard, and strive to better ourselves. I am saying that we are where we are in this very moment because that's just how our story goes.

You're not falling behind in life. You just have a different story.

What Really Matters Doesn't Really Even Matter

I find it both interesting and disturbing that often, the things we think about, stress about and make ourselves sick over are the least important things in our lives.

So many people make their lives about weight loss and fitness--sometimes this escalates to a place of obsession and disorder. Sometimes the damage is irreversible without extreme intervention and help. Sometimes this causes them to burn out and rebound in the opposite direction. All of the time, it causes shame, guilt, and unhappiness.

So many of us spend 85% of our waking hours focused on how we physically appear to others or how we portray ourselves on our various social media platforms--in general, we are extremely hyper-focused on what others may think of us. 

Far too often we make ourselves sick over getting everything done. We wake up with a "To Do" list that competes with a Tolkien novel. Unless we check off every item on that list we view ourselves as a failure. We weren't as productive as we could've been--as we should've been.

We always want the next best thing--the newest phone, nicest clothes, trendy accessories, ridiculously priced celebrity lip kit...

We stress about the money that we need to attain all of these luxuries that are no longer viewed as luxuries--no, they're now necessities. We need these things in order to thrive. In order to show the world that we mean something. 

The cleanest, most non-GMO, organic, vegan lunch. The flat stomach and huge round butt. The big plump lips. The designer clothes and shoes. The perfect Instagram aesthetic. The whitest teeth and softest, longest hair. The fastest car. The 5-day juice cleanse that really should just come with a warning or an adult diaper. The most followers. The perfect job. The tannest skin. More. More. More!

I find it so very intriguing that the things we place the most focus on are the things that do not matter.

Imagine if we all stressed over the amount of good deeds we did that day instead of how terrible our new haircut looks?

Picture a world where people have extreme anxiety over the fact that many people on this planet are starving, dying of disease, and homeless, instead of anxiety over an acne breakout or a text message with no response. (Or worse: 'K')

Pretend that we spent our free hours writing letters to those we miss, spending 100% quality, undivided time with family and loved ones, or serving those in need rather than scrolling through Instagram, online shopping for more things to stress about, and working overtime to make more money to BUY more things to stress about.

What if we simply took all of the wasted time, energy, and mental strain that we place on these unimportant things and replaced them with lovely, beautiful, meaningful things?

Your body, your possessions, your social status...none of these things will be with you when you die. Heck, they won't even be here next year, because we are always changing, evolving, growing...

Spend less time focused on the things that do not matter. Spend more time doing things to enrich your soul and the souls of those around you. When you do this, you will find that the things that really mattered before are a grain of sand on the beach of our lives. When you do this, you will find happiness without even searching for it. 

The sooner we can realize that what 'matters' doesn't really even matter, the sooner we can be happy. The sooner we can actually live our lives. The sooner we can be free.

Life isn't Hard.

Let me just preface this post by saying that I am someone who fully recognizes the fact that life is hard. It can absolutely suck. Life can be going swimmingly, and suddenly it throws you 907 curveballs ALL AT ONCE. 

Life is extremely hard. But it's not.

Recently, I have really been focusing on energies, intentions, and vibes (all that yippie-hippie stuff). Despite whatever unfortunate and miserable events I am going through in my life, I cannot deny that the power of setting positive intentions and putting out hopeful energy has the power to make a world of difference in how I experience life.

We have all heard the saying claiming something to extent that 'we experience the world the way we choose to see the world.' It's true! 

Say we have two completely different men--one lives in a rural town in Kentucky, while the other lives in upstate New York. Both of these men have a wife, two children, and a dog named Steve. (Human dog names are my favorite.) 

Both of these men graduated from college, got a job as a salesman, and have been able to provide for their families. To sum it up, the two men have lived very similar lives.

Suppose for a moment that both of these men get the news that their wife has cheated on them. 

The first man grieves, but eventually regains his desire to date again and ultimately remarries a wonderful woman. His children stay with him every other week, and he decides to maintain a healthy acquaintanceship with his ex-wife for the sake of their kids. He is happy.

The second man grieves, as well, but decides to swear off women entirely because all women are lying, cheating, horribly awful people. His wife takes custody of their children because he is such a wreck emotionally and physically. He lives in solitude. No, loneliness. He spends nights binge drinking. His job disintegrates between his fingers. He is not happy.

What happened here?

The two men decided to see their world in drastically different ways. The first man realized that what happened was, indeed, terrible... but he held on to hope and fought on in pursuit of a happy life. 

The second man gave up. His world was shattered, and nothing mattered anymore. He was destined to a life of misery from the moment he decided that his life would only ever be miserable.

So, yes. Life is hard. It's so hard. But we don't need to spend our lives thinking that life is hard.

If we can make a point every single day--maybe multiple times a day--to set the intention that life is a beautiful thing...maybe it will become a beautiful thing. 

And maybe things won't immediately improve for us, and we will get thrown another curveball. But if we can sincerely hope for greatness and recognize that our lives will not be fulfilling until we let them fulfill us, then surely we have a better shot, no?

You don't need to tell yourself that life is hard, because life will show you that it is hard. Tell yourself that life is beautiful, amazing, and enriching...because life will begin to become all of those things for you. 

Everything Happens For A Reason (And You'll Be Okay)

Life is full of moments that shake us up, throw us for a giant loop, tear us down, and punch us repeatedly in the throat.

Sometimes things happen to us that seem horrible, painful, unfair, and heartbreaking.

Too many times do people enter our lives and we believe that those people will stay forever. We cannot imagine life without them--there IS no life without them. When you imagine your future you imagine a future with the other person in mind.

These things don't happen by chance--not by bad luck. Every single thing--good AND bad--absolutely happens for a reason.

These things that seem so heartbreaking and painful at first--often times for a LONG matter of time--seem to have no shot at getting better.

Things will never look up. Life as we know it is absolutely destroyed and our happiness will never return. 

Upon reflection of these very painful events and circumstances, however, we can realize that without overcoming these obstacles we never would have realized our potential, strength, willpower, heart, soul...

Everything happens for a reason. 

Sickness, injury, love, failures, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our souls.

Without these disturbances and inconveniences, our lives would be smoothly paved roads. These roads would be simple, easy, enjoyable, even...but ultimately they would lead us nowhere. These roads are safe and comfortable, of course...but devastatingly unsatisfying.

The bumpiest rides at Disneyland are the most fun, anyway.  

Every single person we relate to has the ability to affect our lives. The successes, the failures...the people we encounter and build relationships with will inevitably help us create ourselves and help us become who we will become. The positive influences in our lives are essential and key--but what about those that hurt us?

Those that show us unconditional love and then suddenly leave our hearts in peril and distress?

Those that backstab us?

Those that mock us? Betray us? Destroy us?

Those are the most poignant.

Forgive that person who hurt you or broke your heart, for they have given you experiences, feelings, growth, and love galore. They have helped you learn about trust and being cautious to who you share your love and time with. 

Some moments that we take for granted may never be able to be experienced again. 

These trying experiences that hurt us to the point of physical pain--these are the experiences that matter most in our lives. These are the moments that every moment of our lives until that point are tested, and it is up to us to be strong enough to keep going.

Everything absolutely happens for a reason. Do not fight these things that happen to you--do not ask why-- because in the end whatever is meant to be will be.

Take a deep breath and take it one moment at a time until your heart heals and you can reflect on that moment and realize how very critical that pain was. 

The future is always brighter. Better things are coming for you. And one day, I promise, things will all make sense. 

Friendly Reminders

Hi humans!

Today, I have some friendly reminders for you all.

1. Just because fruit has sugar does not make it "bad." If you're restricting fruit from your diet because someone told you bananas are high in sugar--I'm sorry. Whoever told you that was misinformed and clearly unaware that fruit is, in fact, healthy for you. 

2. If someone is being rude to you and you feel awful about yourself after, remember that their actions are solely a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I know for a fact that I'm sassier to my boyfriend when I'm having a bad body image day, or am not feeling 100% mentally. Don't let mean people get you down.

3. Serving other people will make you feel better. If you're having a bad day I can almost guarantee that it will make you feel a thousand times better if you go out of your way to do something for someone else. It doesn't even have to be huge! Something as simple as writing a note, giving a call, or baking cookies for a friend...doing these things literally releases happy hormones into that bod of yours.

4. You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. I know you've heard it before, but honestly--you don't. When I was little, this phrase had a different meaning. It was what my mom told me when I wanted the new, cool toy. Now, it means that I don't have to follow the diet trend, fashion fad, or workout regimen that is being portrayed by society as the "the thing to do." Nope! You don't have to do it. I promise.

5. The people who care about you will not think that you're a burden if you ask for help. If you need help, ASK. 

6. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to alter plans that you have had for a long, long time. You do not have to finish everything you start. Doing so does not make you a failure--would you rather drive all the way down the wrong road, only to have to come back...or would you rather make a u-turn as soon as possible? 

7. No number can define you. Not weight, height, age, waist size, GPA, salary, debt...no. Numbers mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. As hard as this is because we tend to put numbers as #1 in our efforts, it's important to remember that a number really is silly and meaningless. 

8. You don't have to "deserve" a food, and similarly, you don't have to burn of anything you eat that you consider "bad." Balance is a term that is emphasized a lot nowadays--my thoughts? I say screw balance. If you want to eat a gallon of ice cream sometimes, do it. If you want to skip the gym for a year, do it. Do what makes you feel good, and don't justify everything you do by saying #balance. 

9. You're hot. Really, look at that butt. Work it, sista. (Or brotha.)