You're Not The Only One...

You're not the only one that wonders if you're the only one like you. 

You're not the only one that cries because you want to give up on life and end it all.

You're not the only one that wonders what it would be like if you were to be gone. To no longer exist.

You're not the only one that struggles daily with a voice (or VOICES) in your head telling you... that you suck. You fail. There's no point. You just made a fool of yourself. Why are you even trying? You keep failing. Are you really wearing that? You look disgusting. They don't like you. You're so screwed up. No one else is as screwed up as you. These voices make life utterly unlivable most days. You shut down. Can't function. Go numb. It's too much.

You're not the only one to ruminate for so long that it breaks you and you crumble.

You're not the only one to have to leave the store, work, school, or church because your brain talks you out of everything for NO REASON and you start to physically feel ill. You're not the only one that does this every day and with nearly every obligation. Leaving early starts to become accomplishment over not going in the first place. 

You're not the only one that views yourself differently than you really are. Or the only one that wishes you could shrink or grow or smooth, cut, shave, cut off a part of your body. Or even just have an entirely different one!

You're not the only one to feel like the only one. The only one that feels this way...that thinks this way...that acts this way. 

It's just that we don't talk about it. We don't always talk about the dark things because we feel like we're the only one that experiences them. Guess what? This is not true. 

I know I am not the only one that struggles in the ways that I struggle. I'm not the only one to have daily panic attacks and weekly suicidal ideation. I'm not the only one that has extreme highs and even more extreme lows, or bites my nails until they bleed while I contemplate every single limitation I have and why things won't work. I'm not the only one that has a deep hatred toward myself but tries extremely hard toward loving myself more every day. I'm not the only one that paints my life in a different light than it truly is via social media and fake interactions with acquaintances, friends, and family. I am not, and you are not alone. 

What do you do that makes you feel alone? Different? Broken? Screwed up? Whatever it is, you're not alone. Talk about it. You'll find out.

Life isn't Hard.

Let me just preface this post by saying that I am someone who fully recognizes the fact that life is hard. It can absolutely suck. Life can be going swimmingly, and suddenly it throws you 907 curveballs ALL AT ONCE. 

Life is extremely hard. But it's not.

Recently, I have really been focusing on energies, intentions, and vibes (all that yippie-hippie stuff). Despite whatever unfortunate and miserable events I am going through in my life, I cannot deny that the power of setting positive intentions and putting out hopeful energy has the power to make a world of difference in how I experience life.

We have all heard the saying claiming something to extent that 'we experience the world the way we choose to see the world.' It's true! 

Say we have two completely different men--one lives in a rural town in Kentucky, while the other lives in upstate New York. Both of these men have a wife, two children, and a dog named Steve. (Human dog names are my favorite.) 

Both of these men graduated from college, got a job as a salesman, and have been able to provide for their families. To sum it up, the two men have lived very similar lives.

Suppose for a moment that both of these men get the news that their wife has cheated on them. 

The first man grieves, but eventually regains his desire to date again and ultimately remarries a wonderful woman. His children stay with him every other week, and he decides to maintain a healthy acquaintanceship with his ex-wife for the sake of their kids. He is happy.

The second man grieves, as well, but decides to swear off women entirely because all women are lying, cheating, horribly awful people. His wife takes custody of their children because he is such a wreck emotionally and physically. He lives in solitude. No, loneliness. He spends nights binge drinking. His job disintegrates between his fingers. He is not happy.

What happened here?

The two men decided to see their world in drastically different ways. The first man realized that what happened was, indeed, terrible... but he held on to hope and fought on in pursuit of a happy life. 

The second man gave up. His world was shattered, and nothing mattered anymore. He was destined to a life of misery from the moment he decided that his life would only ever be miserable.

So, yes. Life is hard. It's so hard. But we don't need to spend our lives thinking that life is hard.

If we can make a point every single day--maybe multiple times a day--to set the intention that life is a beautiful thing...maybe it will become a beautiful thing. 

And maybe things won't immediately improve for us, and we will get thrown another curveball. But if we can sincerely hope for greatness and recognize that our lives will not be fulfilling until we let them fulfill us, then surely we have a better shot, no?

You don't need to tell yourself that life is hard, because life will show you that it is hard. Tell yourself that life is beautiful, amazing, and enriching...because life will begin to become all of those things for you. 

Everything Happens For A Reason (And You'll Be Okay)

Life is full of moments that shake us up, throw us for a giant loop, tear us down, and punch us repeatedly in the throat.

Sometimes things happen to us that seem horrible, painful, unfair, and heartbreaking.

Too many times do people enter our lives and we believe that those people will stay forever. We cannot imagine life without them--there IS no life without them. When you imagine your future you imagine a future with the other person in mind.

These things don't happen by chance--not by bad luck. Every single thing--good AND bad--absolutely happens for a reason.

These things that seem so heartbreaking and painful at first--often times for a LONG matter of time--seem to have no shot at getting better.

Things will never look up. Life as we know it is absolutely destroyed and our happiness will never return. 

Upon reflection of these very painful events and circumstances, however, we can realize that without overcoming these obstacles we never would have realized our potential, strength, willpower, heart, soul...

Everything happens for a reason. 

Sickness, injury, love, failures, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our souls.

Without these disturbances and inconveniences, our lives would be smoothly paved roads. These roads would be simple, easy, enjoyable, even...but ultimately they would lead us nowhere. These roads are safe and comfortable, of course...but devastatingly unsatisfying.

The bumpiest rides at Disneyland are the most fun, anyway.  

Every single person we relate to has the ability to affect our lives. The successes, the failures...the people we encounter and build relationships with will inevitably help us create ourselves and help us become who we will become. The positive influences in our lives are essential and key--but what about those that hurt us?

Those that show us unconditional love and then suddenly leave our hearts in peril and distress?

Those that backstab us?

Those that mock us? Betray us? Destroy us?

Those are the most poignant.

Forgive that person who hurt you or broke your heart, for they have given you experiences, feelings, growth, and love galore. They have helped you learn about trust and being cautious to who you share your love and time with. 

Some moments that we take for granted may never be able to be experienced again. 

These trying experiences that hurt us to the point of physical pain--these are the experiences that matter most in our lives. These are the moments that every moment of our lives until that point are tested, and it is up to us to be strong enough to keep going.

Everything absolutely happens for a reason. Do not fight these things that happen to you--do not ask why-- because in the end whatever is meant to be will be.

Take a deep breath and take it one moment at a time until your heart heals and you can reflect on that moment and realize how very critical that pain was. 

The future is always brighter. Better things are coming for you. And one day, I promise, things will all make sense. 

Let's Talk About Depression

Hi humans!

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but every time I think about starting I get stressed out. I have so many thoughts and so much I want to say, but I don't know how. I feel like I don't even have the energy to begin this post--even thinking it DRAINS me.

I feel like it's my obligation, however, to write this post. I needed a post like the one you're about to read, but I could not find anything of the like when I searched online. I have a feeling that the reason behind this is the same reason why I've been putting this off.

That said--I guess I'll start talking.

Depression wasn't something I ever understood or could grasp until recently. I was such a happy kid, and in high school I was always very happy, well-liked, and content in my mental state.

My senior year of high school I had a boyfriend that struggled with pretty bad depression, and it infuriated me. I always blamed myself-- I was frustrated when he was amidst a strong episode of depression because from the outside looking in his life was fantastic. I tried to remind him of all the good things he had in his life, and he told me that my saying that didn't help anything. I didn't understand. I wanted to, but I have learned that you simply cannot understand depression unless you have personally experienced it.

Freshman year of college was when I developed my eating disorder. The next 2 and a half years were spent struggling with anorexia--it started slow and fully engulfed me by the end of my sophomore year. I constantly denied I had a problem to others and myself because when I researched anorexia I found that those who had the disease isolated themselves, were depressed, anxious, etc. I was not that way. I went out every night, I constantly was surrounded by friends, and I was actually extremely happy--no lie. Of course, I battled body image and food demons but truly and honestly I was happy with my social life and when I laid in bed at night I was happy--certainly not depressed or anxious.

Mid-junior year when my BMI hit single digits was when I got a very harsh wake-up call: I hit rock bottom with my (lack of) food and (excessive) exercise. One night as I struggled to fall asleep after eating a large amount of food and feeling awful, I felt myself dying. I knew I would die--I'm talking in HOURS or DAYS--if I didn't make a change immediately. I give all credit to God for this strange switch in my mindset, because I know 100% I would not have been able to decide that for myself given the deep hole I was in at that point.

The next day I immediately canceled my gym membership and began eating 3,000 calories every day. I'm going to fast forward to stick with the point of this post--I gained twenty pounds within a couple of months and ever since then (this was almost a year ago) I have been in recovery, trying to gain back more weight and get my mentality "fixed."

June of this year was when I first noticed something was weird with me. I didn't feel like myself--I often felt extremely hopeless for no reason. Some days I would be fine one moment and the next I would erupt into a fury of tears, panic attacks, and shallow breathing. I found myself making excuses to leave things early or just not go because I literally could not bring myself to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I was either feeling absolute euphoria or the most wretched, painful and desperate sadness. There was absolutely no middle ground. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I didn't sleep. Ever. (I still don't.)

Upon talking to my doctor who had all along been helping me recover from anorexia, we decided that I was battling depression. It didn't shock me--I know it is prevalent in my genetics, and I already expected that diagnosis when I walked in the doors of her office that morning.

I was prescribed 7 different things over the upcoming months. Nothing worked--while one helped with my sleep, it made everything else worse. One of the medications (Prozac) gave me suicidal thoughts--something I had never experienced ever before. It terrified me and I immediately stopped any and all forms of medication. I don't like the way they make me feel.

Here's the thing I wish I would have known when I was going through this: It is EXTREMELY normal for someone that struggled with a restrictive eating disorder to be MORE depressed upon entering recovery. 

The reason for this is because while your body was starved it was not feeling. Your emotions were little to nonexistent because a starved body simply lacks the energy to provide you with a plentiful and intense array of emotions--the same reason your sex drive was low and you don't get overly excited about many things, you also likely were not ever feeling negative emotions as strongly.

Once you start providing your body with much needed fuel and energy, it begins to produce all of those hormones and emotions again. Generally this happens after a few months of re-feeding. This held true for me--I consider the first couple of months from my recovery the "honeymoon phase" because I was extremely happy, energetic, and pleased by how simple things were. I did deal with negative body thoughts regularly, but overall I was much, much happier than I was when I was dying.

After my body regained some weight, the food started serving as fuel for my brain and hormones and FEELINGS. ALL OF THE FEELINGS. This is where depression came in. 

I felt so confused at this point because first of all, things had been going SO well up until that point. Second, I felt like I was doing something wrong by recovering because I was not depressed while I was taken over by my eating disorder. It was like I traded one mental illness for another--this second one felt harder to me, so I often questioned my recovery and even sometimes would plan a relapse.

After about two months of this strange depression, things got better for a while all on their own. Maybe because I was so busy with school, working full time, etc...but it's hard to say, really. I now assume that it is simply because depression comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. How rude.

About a month or so ago, the depression came back. It came back stronger and harder than the first time. 

Again, I questioned my recovery, wondered what was wrong with me, and had life-ending thoughts that terrified me. 

My thoughts: I have a job. I'm about to graduate from college. I have the most amazing boyfriend, a house to live in, a supportive family, financial security, etc..... (I would constantly make gratitude lists and force myself to see how lucky and blessed I am, all to no avail.)

Those that I confided in with my depression did the same. Why are you sad? You have so much to be grateful for. My mom suggested it was a post-surgery depression, as can often times happen. Maybe so, maybe not.

The thing is, I'm NOT sad. I do not describe this feeling as being sad whatsoever. It's almost more of a numb feeling--talking begins to exhaust me and all I can do is sit in silence and stare. Cleaning my room becomes as challenging as running a marathon, and doing homework might as well be open-heart surgery.

Some days I don't want to live anymore. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through it--but I do. Inevitably, it comes back. It goes away, but gosh...it comes back.

I still wonder...why did I have to trade one disease for another? Why is this so hard, and why can't it be easy like everyone says? Surely I must be a strange exception for struggling with depression while in recovery from anorexia and supposedly gaining my life back...

But I'm not. I know that people struggle with this and they just don't talk about it. Because it's hard, it's shameful, it's not the norm portrayed to society...

We share our highlights with the world--the things that we're proud of, the fun things we're doing, the awards we have received...

I'm not saying this is wrong. I just am saying that I would like to share BOTH the very glamorous and the horribly ugly sides of my life. 

People don't see me as a depressed person--people see me as a happy, tiny ball of energy that likes to always tell jokes and make people laugh. I am willing to bet that no one knows I struggle with depression. Because depression isn't always what it's painted out to be: a person laying in a dark room sobbing, eating ice cream, binge-watching Netflix...

Depression is me putting on a full face of makeup, a new outfit, curling my hair and going to class. It's me hanging out with friends, walking my dog, and typing up blog posts. It's doing all these things whilst feeling like I cannot do the very thing I'm doing. It's holding back emotions and wanting to call in sick because I AM sick. But you can't call in depressed.

I would like to talk more about this. I want to show people that this is something that needs to be taken far more seriously and stop people from throwing around the term 'depressed' like it's a cool new word to say.

It's so much more complex than I could ever convey to anyone. I don't need to explain it to those who don't know what it's like--but I do need for people to understand that they do not understand. 

No questions today--just thoughts.

Friendly Reminders

Hi humans!

Today, I have some friendly reminders for you all.

1. Just because fruit has sugar does not make it "bad." If you're restricting fruit from your diet because someone told you bananas are high in sugar--I'm sorry. Whoever told you that was misinformed and clearly unaware that fruit is, in fact, healthy for you. 

2. If someone is being rude to you and you feel awful about yourself after, remember that their actions are solely a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I know for a fact that I'm sassier to my boyfriend when I'm having a bad body image day, or am not feeling 100% mentally. Don't let mean people get you down.

3. Serving other people will make you feel better. If you're having a bad day I can almost guarantee that it will make you feel a thousand times better if you go out of your way to do something for someone else. It doesn't even have to be huge! Something as simple as writing a note, giving a call, or baking cookies for a friend...doing these things literally releases happy hormones into that bod of yours.

4. You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. I know you've heard it before, but honestly--you don't. When I was little, this phrase had a different meaning. It was what my mom told me when I wanted the new, cool toy. Now, it means that I don't have to follow the diet trend, fashion fad, or workout regimen that is being portrayed by society as the "the thing to do." Nope! You don't have to do it. I promise.

5. The people who care about you will not think that you're a burden if you ask for help. If you need help, ASK. 

6. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to alter plans that you have had for a long, long time. You do not have to finish everything you start. Doing so does not make you a failure--would you rather drive all the way down the wrong road, only to have to come back...or would you rather make a u-turn as soon as possible? 

7. No number can define you. Not weight, height, age, waist size, GPA, salary, debt...no. Numbers mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. As hard as this is because we tend to put numbers as #1 in our efforts, it's important to remember that a number really is silly and meaningless. 

8. You don't have to "deserve" a food, and similarly, you don't have to burn of anything you eat that you consider "bad." Balance is a term that is emphasized a lot nowadays--my thoughts? I say screw balance. If you want to eat a gallon of ice cream sometimes, do it. If you want to skip the gym for a year, do it. Do what makes you feel good, and don't justify everything you do by saying #balance. 

9. You're hot. Really, look at that butt. Work it, sista. (Or brotha.)