What Really Matters Doesn't Really Even Matter

I find it both interesting and disturbing that often, the things we think about, stress about and make ourselves sick over are the least important things in our lives.

So many people make their lives about weight loss and fitness--sometimes this escalates to a place of obsession and disorder. Sometimes the damage is irreversible without extreme intervention and help. Sometimes this causes them to burn out and rebound in the opposite direction. All of the time, it causes shame, guilt, and unhappiness.

So many of us spend 85% of our waking hours focused on how we physically appear to others or how we portray ourselves on our various social media platforms--in general, we are extremely hyper-focused on what others may think of us. 

Far too often we make ourselves sick over getting everything done. We wake up with a "To Do" list that competes with a Tolkien novel. Unless we check off every item on that list we view ourselves as a failure. We weren't as productive as we could've been--as we should've been.

We always want the next best thing--the newest phone, nicest clothes, trendy accessories, ridiculously priced celebrity lip kit...

We stress about the money that we need to attain all of these luxuries that are no longer viewed as luxuries--no, they're now necessities. We need these things in order to thrive. In order to show the world that we mean something. 

The cleanest, most non-GMO, organic, vegan lunch. The flat stomach and huge round butt. The big plump lips. The designer clothes and shoes. The perfect Instagram aesthetic. The whitest teeth and softest, longest hair. The fastest car. The 5-day juice cleanse that really should just come with a warning or an adult diaper. The most followers. The perfect job. The tannest skin. More. More. More!

I find it so very intriguing that the things we place the most focus on are the things that do not matter.

Imagine if we all stressed over the amount of good deeds we did that day instead of how terrible our new haircut looks?

Picture a world where people have extreme anxiety over the fact that many people on this planet are starving, dying of disease, and homeless, instead of anxiety over an acne breakout or a text message with no response. (Or worse: 'K')

Pretend that we spent our free hours writing letters to those we miss, spending 100% quality, undivided time with family and loved ones, or serving those in need rather than scrolling through Instagram, online shopping for more things to stress about, and working overtime to make more money to BUY more things to stress about.

What if we simply took all of the wasted time, energy, and mental strain that we place on these unimportant things and replaced them with lovely, beautiful, meaningful things?

Your body, your possessions, your social status...none of these things will be with you when you die. Heck, they won't even be here next year, because we are always changing, evolving, growing...

Spend less time focused on the things that do not matter. Spend more time doing things to enrich your soul and the souls of those around you. When you do this, you will find that the things that really mattered before are a grain of sand on the beach of our lives. When you do this, you will find happiness without even searching for it. 

The sooner we can realize that what 'matters' doesn't really even matter, the sooner we can be happy. The sooner we can actually live our lives. The sooner we can be free.

Surviving vs. Thriving: Why I Choose Survive

I've seen a lot of articles titled something like, "How to Thrive and Not Just Survive in Life," or "Surviving is No Way to Live--You Must Thrive!" In the past, I found that these types of articles inspired and motivated me to be better--to do more, be more, create more. They caused me to take a look at my life and decide if I was surviving or thriving, and helped me make my life more meaningful and important.

Nowadays--not so much. 

After 6 months of facing a mystery illness that has caused me to constantly feel the worst sickness I've ever experienced and more pain than I can describe, I've decided to redefine what survive and thrive mean to me.

The past six months I've been pushing myself to continue living my life. I've gone to work feeling like death, I've been contemplating a move out of state to start a high-paying job, and I've tried to keep pushing myself to reach various goals that I set for myself. Needless to say, I'm burnt out and exhausted because of this. I'm trying to thrive, but my body is too sick to thrive. I'm not thriving. I'm actually getting worse.

What I really need to do right now is just survive. I need to stop stressing myself out with work. I need to step away from work, from job searching, from trying to perfect everything in my life because I cannot do any of those things until I get better.

I don't know when I'll get better. I don't know when the doctors, if ever, will finally make a miraculous breakthrough and tell me what's wrong with me and how I can fix it. I HAVE NO DANG CLUE! It sucks, but it's the reality.

The reality is that I simply will not be able to thrive until I am better. I can try to adapt to the constant sickness and pain, ignore my body telling me to stop trying to do all the things, and accept this new normal--or, I can take time off from life and focus ALL of my effort on getting to the bottom of my health problems. That should be my only focus in life right now. I can't move states, get a new job, find a husband, have children, or live any sort of a 'normal' life if I continue to be this ill.

This is so hard for me. It's so hard for me to be 'lazy' and to not have 500 goals and a to-do list every day. It's so hard for me to lay in bed while everyone else is out 'grinding.' GOSH IT'S HARD!

But I have a better shot of getting to the bottom of this mysterious ailment if my mind isn't elsewhere. I have a better shot at getting better.

Once I get better, I can thrive. For now, I just have to survive.

If you're sick, or hurt, or mentally drained--I suggest you take the same approach as me. Allow your mind and body to heal completely before you resume your thriving lifestyle. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in a quasi-thriving, unfulfilling life because you failed to address your issues. Get better, then be better. 

I WILL SURVIVE! (I had to.)

Everything Happens For A Reason (And You'll Be Okay)

Life is full of moments that shake us up, throw us for a giant loop, tear us down, and punch us repeatedly in the throat.

Sometimes things happen to us that seem horrible, painful, unfair, and heartbreaking.

Too many times do people enter our lives and we believe that those people will stay forever. We cannot imagine life without them--there IS no life without them. When you imagine your future you imagine a future with the other person in mind.

These things don't happen by chance--not by bad luck. Every single thing--good AND bad--absolutely happens for a reason.

These things that seem so heartbreaking and painful at first--often times for a LONG matter of time--seem to have no shot at getting better.

Things will never look up. Life as we know it is absolutely destroyed and our happiness will never return. 

Upon reflection of these very painful events and circumstances, however, we can realize that without overcoming these obstacles we never would have realized our potential, strength, willpower, heart, soul...

Everything happens for a reason. 

Sickness, injury, love, failures, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our souls.

Without these disturbances and inconveniences, our lives would be smoothly paved roads. These roads would be simple, easy, enjoyable, even...but ultimately they would lead us nowhere. These roads are safe and comfortable, of course...but devastatingly unsatisfying.

The bumpiest rides at Disneyland are the most fun, anyway.  

Every single person we relate to has the ability to affect our lives. The successes, the failures...the people we encounter and build relationships with will inevitably help us create ourselves and help us become who we will become. The positive influences in our lives are essential and key--but what about those that hurt us?

Those that show us unconditional love and then suddenly leave our hearts in peril and distress?

Those that backstab us?

Those that mock us? Betray us? Destroy us?

Those are the most poignant.

Forgive that person who hurt you or broke your heart, for they have given you experiences, feelings, growth, and love galore. They have helped you learn about trust and being cautious to who you share your love and time with. 

Some moments that we take for granted may never be able to be experienced again. 

These trying experiences that hurt us to the point of physical pain--these are the experiences that matter most in our lives. These are the moments that every moment of our lives until that point are tested, and it is up to us to be strong enough to keep going.

Everything absolutely happens for a reason. Do not fight these things that happen to you--do not ask why-- because in the end whatever is meant to be will be.

Take a deep breath and take it one moment at a time until your heart heals and you can reflect on that moment and realize how very critical that pain was. 

The future is always brighter. Better things are coming for you. And one day, I promise, things will all make sense. 

Let's Talk About Depression

Hi humans!

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but every time I think about starting I get stressed out. I have so many thoughts and so much I want to say, but I don't know how. I feel like I don't even have the energy to begin this post--even thinking it DRAINS me.

I feel like it's my obligation, however, to write this post. I needed a post like the one you're about to read, but I could not find anything of the like when I searched online. I have a feeling that the reason behind this is the same reason why I've been putting this off.

That said--I guess I'll start talking.

Depression wasn't something I ever understood or could grasp until recently. I was such a happy kid, and in high school I was always very happy, well-liked, and content in my mental state.

My senior year of high school I had a boyfriend that struggled with pretty bad depression, and it infuriated me. I always blamed myself-- I was frustrated when he was amidst a strong episode of depression because from the outside looking in his life was fantastic. I tried to remind him of all the good things he had in his life, and he told me that my saying that didn't help anything. I didn't understand. I wanted to, but I have learned that you simply cannot understand depression unless you have personally experienced it.

Freshman year of college was when I developed my eating disorder. The next 2 and a half years were spent struggling with anorexia--it started slow and fully engulfed me by the end of my sophomore year. I constantly denied I had a problem to others and myself because when I researched anorexia I found that those who had the disease isolated themselves, were depressed, anxious, etc. I was not that way. I went out every night, I constantly was surrounded by friends, and I was actually extremely happy--no lie. Of course, I battled body image and food demons but truly and honestly I was happy with my social life and when I laid in bed at night I was happy--certainly not depressed or anxious.

Mid-junior year when my BMI hit single digits was when I got a very harsh wake-up call: I hit rock bottom with my (lack of) food and (excessive) exercise. One night as I struggled to fall asleep after eating a large amount of food and feeling awful, I felt myself dying. I knew I would die--I'm talking in HOURS or DAYS--if I didn't make a change immediately. I give all credit to God for this strange switch in my mindset, because I know 100% I would not have been able to decide that for myself given the deep hole I was in at that point.

The next day I immediately canceled my gym membership and began eating 3,000 calories every day. I'm going to fast forward to stick with the point of this post--I gained twenty pounds within a couple of months and ever since then (this was almost a year ago) I have been in recovery, trying to gain back more weight and get my mentality "fixed."

June of this year was when I first noticed something was weird with me. I didn't feel like myself--I often felt extremely hopeless for no reason. Some days I would be fine one moment and the next I would erupt into a fury of tears, panic attacks, and shallow breathing. I found myself making excuses to leave things early or just not go because I literally could not bring myself to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I was either feeling absolute euphoria or the most wretched, painful and desperate sadness. There was absolutely no middle ground. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I didn't sleep. Ever. (I still don't.)

Upon talking to my doctor who had all along been helping me recover from anorexia, we decided that I was battling depression. It didn't shock me--I know it is prevalent in my genetics, and I already expected that diagnosis when I walked in the doors of her office that morning.

I was prescribed 7 different things over the upcoming months. Nothing worked--while one helped with my sleep, it made everything else worse. One of the medications (Prozac) gave me suicidal thoughts--something I had never experienced ever before. It terrified me and I immediately stopped any and all forms of medication. I don't like the way they make me feel.

Here's the thing I wish I would have known when I was going through this: It is EXTREMELY normal for someone that struggled with a restrictive eating disorder to be MORE depressed upon entering recovery. 

The reason for this is because while your body was starved it was not feeling. Your emotions were little to nonexistent because a starved body simply lacks the energy to provide you with a plentiful and intense array of emotions--the same reason your sex drive was low and you don't get overly excited about many things, you also likely were not ever feeling negative emotions as strongly.

Once you start providing your body with much needed fuel and energy, it begins to produce all of those hormones and emotions again. Generally this happens after a few months of re-feeding. This held true for me--I consider the first couple of months from my recovery the "honeymoon phase" because I was extremely happy, energetic, and pleased by how simple things were. I did deal with negative body thoughts regularly, but overall I was much, much happier than I was when I was dying.

After my body regained some weight, the food started serving as fuel for my brain and hormones and FEELINGS. ALL OF THE FEELINGS. This is where depression came in. 

I felt so confused at this point because first of all, things had been going SO well up until that point. Second, I felt like I was doing something wrong by recovering because I was not depressed while I was taken over by my eating disorder. It was like I traded one mental illness for another--this second one felt harder to me, so I often questioned my recovery and even sometimes would plan a relapse.

After about two months of this strange depression, things got better for a while all on their own. Maybe because I was so busy with school, working full time, etc...but it's hard to say, really. I now assume that it is simply because depression comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. How rude.

About a month or so ago, the depression came back. It came back stronger and harder than the first time. 

Again, I questioned my recovery, wondered what was wrong with me, and had life-ending thoughts that terrified me. 

My thoughts: I have a job. I'm about to graduate from college. I have the most amazing boyfriend, a house to live in, a supportive family, financial security, etc..... (I would constantly make gratitude lists and force myself to see how lucky and blessed I am, all to no avail.)

Those that I confided in with my depression did the same. Why are you sad? You have so much to be grateful for. My mom suggested it was a post-surgery depression, as can often times happen. Maybe so, maybe not.

The thing is, I'm NOT sad. I do not describe this feeling as being sad whatsoever. It's almost more of a numb feeling--talking begins to exhaust me and all I can do is sit in silence and stare. Cleaning my room becomes as challenging as running a marathon, and doing homework might as well be open-heart surgery.

Some days I don't want to live anymore. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through it--but I do. Inevitably, it comes back. It goes away, but gosh...it comes back.

I still wonder...why did I have to trade one disease for another? Why is this so hard, and why can't it be easy like everyone says? Surely I must be a strange exception for struggling with depression while in recovery from anorexia and supposedly gaining my life back...

But I'm not. I know that people struggle with this and they just don't talk about it. Because it's hard, it's shameful, it's not the norm portrayed to society...

We share our highlights with the world--the things that we're proud of, the fun things we're doing, the awards we have received...

I'm not saying this is wrong. I just am saying that I would like to share BOTH the very glamorous and the horribly ugly sides of my life. 

People don't see me as a depressed person--people see me as a happy, tiny ball of energy that likes to always tell jokes and make people laugh. I am willing to bet that no one knows I struggle with depression. Because depression isn't always what it's painted out to be: a person laying in a dark room sobbing, eating ice cream, binge-watching Netflix...

Depression is me putting on a full face of makeup, a new outfit, curling my hair and going to class. It's me hanging out with friends, walking my dog, and typing up blog posts. It's doing all these things whilst feeling like I cannot do the very thing I'm doing. It's holding back emotions and wanting to call in sick because I AM sick. But you can't call in depressed.

I would like to talk more about this. I want to show people that this is something that needs to be taken far more seriously and stop people from throwing around the term 'depressed' like it's a cool new word to say.

It's so much more complex than I could ever convey to anyone. I don't need to explain it to those who don't know what it's like--but I do need for people to understand that they do not understand. 

No questions today--just thoughts.

Friendly Reminders

Hi humans!

Today, I have some friendly reminders for you all.

1. Just because fruit has sugar does not make it "bad." If you're restricting fruit from your diet because someone told you bananas are high in sugar--I'm sorry. Whoever told you that was misinformed and clearly unaware that fruit is, in fact, healthy for you. 

2. If someone is being rude to you and you feel awful about yourself after, remember that their actions are solely a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I know for a fact that I'm sassier to my boyfriend when I'm having a bad body image day, or am not feeling 100% mentally. Don't let mean people get you down.

3. Serving other people will make you feel better. If you're having a bad day I can almost guarantee that it will make you feel a thousand times better if you go out of your way to do something for someone else. It doesn't even have to be huge! Something as simple as writing a note, giving a call, or baking cookies for a friend...doing these things literally releases happy hormones into that bod of yours.

4. You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. I know you've heard it before, but honestly--you don't. When I was little, this phrase had a different meaning. It was what my mom told me when I wanted the new, cool toy. Now, it means that I don't have to follow the diet trend, fashion fad, or workout regimen that is being portrayed by society as the "the thing to do." Nope! You don't have to do it. I promise.

5. The people who care about you will not think that you're a burden if you ask for help. If you need help, ASK. 

6. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to alter plans that you have had for a long, long time. You do not have to finish everything you start. Doing so does not make you a failure--would you rather drive all the way down the wrong road, only to have to come back...or would you rather make a u-turn as soon as possible? 

7. No number can define you. Not weight, height, age, waist size, GPA, salary, debt...no. Numbers mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. As hard as this is because we tend to put numbers as #1 in our efforts, it's important to remember that a number really is silly and meaningless. 

8. You don't have to "deserve" a food, and similarly, you don't have to burn of anything you eat that you consider "bad." Balance is a term that is emphasized a lot nowadays--my thoughts? I say screw balance. If you want to eat a gallon of ice cream sometimes, do it. If you want to skip the gym for a year, do it. Do what makes you feel good, and don't justify everything you do by saying #balance. 

9. You're hot. Really, look at that butt. Work it, sista. (Or brotha.)