You're Not The Only One...

You're not the only one that wonders if you're the only one like you. 

You're not the only one that cries because you want to give up on life and end it all.

You're not the only one that wonders what it would be like if you were to be gone. To no longer exist.

You're not the only one that struggles daily with a voice (or VOICES) in your head telling you... that you suck. You fail. There's no point. You just made a fool of yourself. Why are you even trying? You keep failing. Are you really wearing that? You look disgusting. They don't like you. You're so screwed up. No one else is as screwed up as you. These voices make life utterly unlivable most days. You shut down. Can't function. Go numb. It's too much.

You're not the only one to ruminate for so long that it breaks you and you crumble.

You're not the only one to have to leave the store, work, school, or church because your brain talks you out of everything for NO REASON and you start to physically feel ill. You're not the only one that does this every day and with nearly every obligation. Leaving early starts to become accomplishment over not going in the first place. 

You're not the only one that views yourself differently than you really are. Or the only one that wishes you could shrink or grow or smooth, cut, shave, cut off a part of your body. Or even just have an entirely different one!

You're not the only one to feel like the only one. The only one that feels this way...that thinks this way...that acts this way. 

It's just that we don't talk about it. We don't always talk about the dark things because we feel like we're the only one that experiences them. Guess what? This is not true. 

I know I am not the only one that struggles in the ways that I struggle. I'm not the only one to have daily panic attacks and weekly suicidal ideation. I'm not the only one that has extreme highs and even more extreme lows, or bites my nails until they bleed while I contemplate every single limitation I have and why things won't work. I'm not the only one that has a deep hatred toward myself but tries extremely hard toward loving myself more every day. I'm not the only one that paints my life in a different light than it truly is via social media and fake interactions with acquaintances, friends, and family. I am not, and you are not alone. 

What do you do that makes you feel alone? Different? Broken? Screwed up? Whatever it is, you're not alone. Talk about it. You'll find out.

Read This If You're Falling Behind in Life

I know the feeling. The feeling that everyone else is ahead of you. The feeling that everyone else is doing big, fantastic things with their lives but you aren't. 

This feeling comes and goes for me--sometimes it is subtle, and other times it's almost unbearable.

I started college at 17, and even when I graduated in only 3 1/2 years I felt like everyone else was still ahead of me. I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I felt like I wouldn't ever be enough, and my constant trying was of no use.

Now as I see friends and old classmates my age and even younger getting married, starting families, traveling the world...the feeling of not being as far along in my life as I should be intensifies.

I should be married! (Thinks the girl with no boyfriend.) I want babies! (Thinks the girl who can't keep a plant alive.) I want to travel the world and see amazing places while I'm young! (Thinks the girl who has been ill for 6 months, barely able to leave bed some days.)

I'm about to tell you something only because I need to remind myself.

We all have different stories. We all are shaped by different events in our life--those we choose, and also those that choose us. It would be impossible for every single person to be on the same life path.

Aside from the fact that social media makes others' lives appear perfectly seamless, put-together, and successful, there is also the reality that they're just different.

Can you imagine how boring it would be if you walked into a library full of books, only to find that every single book was exactly the same? The books looked different, sure, but upon opening each and every book you found that the words were identical--the stories the same. 

Those people who get married at 19 aren't any 'farther along in life' than the person who is still in college working toward a degree. They're also not farther along than the person who is still saving to go to college, or even the person that decided college wasn't for them.

The person who gets a 9-5 job straight out of college isn't farther along in life than the person who decides to take a year off to travel the world. They're also not farther along than the person who spends a year doing countless interviews but can't seem to catch a break.

Those that struggle with addiction, illness, injuries, and traumatic life changes are not miles behind those who are coasting along. They're just in the middle of their story's conflict. Like any good story, the resolution will come.

There is no such thing as being 'far ahead' or 'farther along' in life because we cannot read the whole story yet. I always was the kid reading ahead to the end of the book, so this really bums me out.

There is no sense in feeling like we should be doing more, accomplishing more, or be at a different place in our lives because that's simply not how it works. (Sorry.)

I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals, work hard, and strive to better ourselves. I am saying that we are where we are in this very moment because that's just how our story goes.

You're not falling behind in life. You just have a different story.

What Really Matters Doesn't Really Even Matter

I find it both interesting and disturbing that often, the things we think about, stress about and make ourselves sick over are the least important things in our lives.

So many people make their lives about weight loss and fitness--sometimes this escalates to a place of obsession and disorder. Sometimes the damage is irreversible without extreme intervention and help. Sometimes this causes them to burn out and rebound in the opposite direction. All of the time, it causes shame, guilt, and unhappiness.

So many of us spend 85% of our waking hours focused on how we physically appear to others or how we portray ourselves on our various social media platforms--in general, we are extremely hyper-focused on what others may think of us. 

Far too often we make ourselves sick over getting everything done. We wake up with a "To Do" list that competes with a Tolkien novel. Unless we check off every item on that list we view ourselves as a failure. We weren't as productive as we could've been--as we should've been.

We always want the next best thing--the newest phone, nicest clothes, trendy accessories, ridiculously priced celebrity lip kit...

We stress about the money that we need to attain all of these luxuries that are no longer viewed as luxuries--no, they're now necessities. We need these things in order to thrive. In order to show the world that we mean something. 

The cleanest, most non-GMO, organic, vegan lunch. The flat stomach and huge round butt. The big plump lips. The designer clothes and shoes. The perfect Instagram aesthetic. The whitest teeth and softest, longest hair. The fastest car. The 5-day juice cleanse that really should just come with a warning or an adult diaper. The most followers. The perfect job. The tannest skin. More. More. More!

I find it so very intriguing that the things we place the most focus on are the things that do not matter.

Imagine if we all stressed over the amount of good deeds we did that day instead of how terrible our new haircut looks?

Picture a world where people have extreme anxiety over the fact that many people on this planet are starving, dying of disease, and homeless, instead of anxiety over an acne breakout or a text message with no response. (Or worse: 'K')

Pretend that we spent our free hours writing letters to those we miss, spending 100% quality, undivided time with family and loved ones, or serving those in need rather than scrolling through Instagram, online shopping for more things to stress about, and working overtime to make more money to BUY more things to stress about.

What if we simply took all of the wasted time, energy, and mental strain that we place on these unimportant things and replaced them with lovely, beautiful, meaningful things?

Your body, your possessions, your social status...none of these things will be with you when you die. Heck, they won't even be here next year, because we are always changing, evolving, growing...

Spend less time focused on the things that do not matter. Spend more time doing things to enrich your soul and the souls of those around you. When you do this, you will find that the things that really mattered before are a grain of sand on the beach of our lives. When you do this, you will find happiness without even searching for it. 

The sooner we can realize that what 'matters' doesn't really even matter, the sooner we can be happy. The sooner we can actually live our lives. The sooner we can be free.