when anxiety holds you back (all of the the damn time)

I love playing soccer.

I'm standing across the street from a soccer field where 10 of my closest friends are playing a heated game of soccer. Naturally, my first instinct is to run over there and join in.

The problem is...I'm chained to a wall on the other side of the street.

It's not a metal chain--more of a zip-tie that could most definitely be broken if I really tried. 

So there I am...tied to this wall as I see all of my great friends playing my favorite sport right in front of me. 

I want to run over there but that zip-tie is somewhat in my way. I decide it is not worth it. I decide to stay stuck to the wall.

Anxiety. Like an abusive partner who won't let me break free. He wants all of my attention and keeps me from feeling free and full of joy.

Certain opportunities are a distant dream that I cannot seem to grasp because anxiety just won’t grant me its license. There are so many undertakings that I crave, and still, the trepidation is far too much. What even is this fear? Where does this come from? I can yearn for something more than anything in the world but this cruel, inexplicable safety harness keeps me from reaching toward it. 

It is so much more than a comfort zone--a safety net. No...it is a locked door to which a key has not yet been generated. It is a plastic bag that has been super glued to my neck.

I have not given up. I'm crafty. I know a great locksmith. I own goo-gone.

I have not given up. I'm just vigilant and moving forward.

What Not to Say to Someone With Depression (& What to Say Instead)

I recently talked about what makes depression a real illness and discussed how it can affect one's life. By pointing out that one cannot empathize with someone who is depressed unless they themselves have dealt with depression (and even then, all of our experiences are different and range in duration & severity) I feel that it is now important to talk about how we should talk to someone that struggles with depression. 

*First, a preface that turned into a bit more of a rant than I intended*

As a millennial, I hear a lot from older generations that we millennials are "too sensitive" and "take everything personally" and "get triggered too easily." I have a huge problem with these accusations because first of all, there is no such thing as being "too sensitive." Sensitivity is not a character flaw nor is it something that should be fixed. Sensitivity is simply part of the way we were brought up--a result of all of our life experiences and situations that molded us into who we are today. If a parent ever tells you that you're "too sensitive" then maybe you should turn that finger right back around (please don't do this unless you want to be shot) (I'm kidding...but probably don't HAHA) and tell them that they're the one who coddled you when you fell as a toddler or became enraged over teachers grading your papers unfairly...the list goes on. (I'm not saying those are bad things, because they're not. But everything that happens in our lives affect who we are.) The things we experienced as children inevitably shaped who were are today, and aside from that fact... some of us are actually just born highly sensitive.

I've had a soft, sensitive, tender heart since I popped out of the womb. I've always taken things personally and shed tears more often than what I assume to be the norm. (Is it normal to cry when you drive past a dead squirrel? Asking for a friend.) But I also am very compassionate and kindhearted and receptive to others' needs because of my sensitivity. It is not my fatal flaw, and I shouldn't be "less sensitive." And neither should you. My point in bringing up sensitivity is that oftentimes articles that counsel "What Not to Say to ___" get criticized (again, in my experience it is usually by older folks) for being nonsense because they are making us all too sensitive. "Those people should just toughen up--I shouldn't have to censor myself to make someone else feel better!" Well guess what? Mental illness rates are higher than ever before. Of course, there are a myriad of things that contribute to this--I'll save that for another article. But I have had so many insensitive things said to me that have sent me spiraling into a relapse. I struggled with severe anorexia nervosa for 3 years of my life and relapsed four times. I still relapse with anxiety & depression (honestly, almost daily) and my PTSD is triggered at the most random of times. Not every relapse is due to a comment from someone else, but a lot of times those comments are what push me over the edge. Sometimes comments from others have literally sent me so deep into a depressive episode that my hopelessness was enough to want to die.

If we can teach people how to be more considerate and understanding to those of us struggling with mental illness, why wouldn't we? Why wouldn't I use my voice to try to reach those people who could potentially say the RIGHT thing to someone who is on the edge of life and death? Call me too sensitive, but I'm just trying to save some precious, vulnerable humans out there. Why? BECAUSE I'M SENSITIVE. Sue me. Don't sue me. I have anxiety. And no lawyer. Okay. 

*end rant, and on to what you came here for...*

When someone struggling with depression thinks/says...

No one understands.

What to say: You're not alone in this. I'm here for you no matter what, even if I don't understand I will try my very best. (And then actually do that.) 

What not to say: Other people have it way worse than you. (OR ANY VARIATION OF THIS !!!)

This is hopeless. I wish to die.

What to say: You are so important to me. If you're gone I will be broken and devastated. (Don't guilt them, but let them know they're important to you. Depressed individuals are more likely to put others first due to their [usual] hatred toward themselves and lack of prioritizing their own feelings.)

What not to say: You're being so dramatic. You don't actually want to die. Don't tell me that. You're not really going to kill yourself. (All of those things are so wrong and yes, they probably DO want to die and VERY WELL MAY kill themselves.)

I can't do this anymore.

What to say: Just give 'em a hug. And reassure them that you know they can even if they can't see it and that you're there to help. If it helps, use the "10 second" rule. You can do anything for 10 seconds. Then repeat that over and over and over and over...hey, they made it another day. 

What not to say: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There's nothing wrong. Your life is fine. (You can't compare your experiences here. No matter how seemingly 'fine' one's life is, depression is a disease and can affect anyone at any time. Celebrities seem to have it all, right? Isn't it odd the amount of celebrities that go to rehab but the amount of joyous minimalists?) 

I'm too broken. I'm stupid. I'm insane.

What to say: You're not going crazy. Depression is real but let's try to manage it.

What not to say: You're so negative. You're so miserable. Be more optimistic. You're always depressed. I'm tired of you complaining all the time. Snap out of it. (Avoid all "you're so" statements. Unless you're saying fabulous or funny. Or sexy.)

I'm such a burden to everyone.

What to say: I'm not going to leave, abandon, or give up on you. So buckle up, and don't worry about me. I'll make sure to take care of myself, too, so that I can be there for you. <--Only say this if you truly are stable and can take on the responsibility. 

What not to say: Then get better so we can stop having to worry about you. I think your depression is a way of punishing me. It's your own fault. Stop being so needy. I've had to miss so much work/school/other obligations for you.

You don't get it. No one gets it.

What to say: No, I don't. But I can be whatever you need me to be and try to offer my compassion.

What not to say: Yeah, I get it. I was depressed once for several days. I just started working out/eating clean/drinking tea and then I was okay. (DO NOT OFFER ANY HEALTH, FITNESS, SLEEP, SUPPLEMENT ADVICE UNLESS YOU ARE A DOCTOR.) (ALSO: NO I WILL NOT GO VEGAN.)

And, finally, here are some more things you should NEVER say. Like, ever:

Why are you depressed?

It's all in your head.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You have it so good.

Happiness is a choice.

Have you been praying?

Just get out more.

You're being selfish.

A person your age should be having the time of your life! (<--Ouch, thanks dude.)

Depression is a symptom of your sin against God. (Yep, I've really heard that one.)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I can't be around you right now, you're so depressing/miserable/rude.

You should get a hobby. (Yes, let me take up tango while my body is so fatigued that I cannot move!)

This too shall pass! 

You are responsible for your happiness! Change your mind! 

My favorite is when someone asks how I'm doing, and I respond honestly (I'm not about saying 'I'M GOOD HOW ARE YOU?!' when really I want to throw up everywhere and crawl in a hole) and then they are caught off guard so they say, "Oh... well you look great!!" That's usually what happens. Like..."Oh, thanks? I feel terrible and wish I was not alive right now but I'm glad my face is aesthetically pleasing to you. Have a blessed day." 

So what helps?

What helps me is getting a back rub. Sometimes I feel like talking and sometimes I don't. Usually, I don't but I should or I stay stuck in my head. I need someone to listen and respond without offering advice or trying to "fix" things. Depression comes and goes in waves. I know that the super intense moments will eventually pass, so I just have to get through them one at a time.

What would you add to this list of what to say or not to say? If you struggle with depression, what helps you? 

Photos courtesy of Gemma Correll (She's amazing!)

You're Not The Only One...

You're not the only one that wonders if you're the only one like you. 

You're not the only one that cries because you want to give up on life and end it all.

You're not the only one that wonders what it would be like if you were to be gone. To no longer exist.

You're not the only one that struggles daily with a voice (or VOICES) in your head telling you... that you suck. You fail. There's no point. You just made a fool of yourself. Why are you even trying? You keep failing. Are you really wearing that? You look disgusting. They don't like you. You're so screwed up. No one else is as screwed up as you. These voices make life utterly unlivable most days. You shut down. Can't function. Go numb. It's too much.

You're not the only one to ruminate for so long that it breaks you and you crumble.

You're not the only one to have to leave the store, work, school, or church because your brain talks you out of everything for NO REASON and you start to physically feel ill. You're not the only one that does this every day and with nearly every obligation. Leaving early starts to become accomplishment over not going in the first place. 

You're not the only one that views yourself differently than you really are. Or the only one that wishes you could shrink or grow or smooth, cut, shave, cut off a part of your body. Or even just have an entirely different one!

You're not the only one to feel like the only one. The only one that feels this way...that thinks this way...that acts this way. 

It's just that we don't talk about it. We don't always talk about the dark things because we feel like we're the only one that experiences them. Guess what? This is not true. 

I know I am not the only one that struggles in the ways that I struggle. I'm not the only one to have daily panic attacks and weekly suicidal ideation. I'm not the only one that has extreme highs and even more extreme lows, or bites my nails until they bleed while I contemplate every single limitation I have and why things won't work. I'm not the only one that has a deep hatred toward myself but tries extremely hard toward loving myself more every day. I'm not the only one that paints my life in a different light than it truly is via social media and fake interactions with acquaintances, friends, and family. I am not, and you are not alone. 

What do you do that makes you feel alone? Different? Broken? Screwed up? Whatever it is, you're not alone. Talk about it. You'll find out.

Is Depression a Real Illness? {Pt 2}

After tackling the beast called anxiety, I figured it's time to touch on yet another topic that I personally deal with and am highly fascinated by. (Yes, the brain is fascinating and even though I curse mine I am genuinely intrigued by its functioning--or lack thereof--ha.)

First of all, this article explains a lot of the research showing how real depression is as an actual illness. A key excerpt that I believe is vital for people to understand:

"Depression is, indeed, a culture-bound syndrome and at the same time it is a very terrible disease, which cannot and should not be equated with low or bad mood, sadness, or any other "aberration from the norm of happiness": it differs from these normal mental states symptomatically in the intensity of suffering experienced, in its character (such as resistance to distraction and other symptoms of the paralysis of the will, expressed among other things in the characteristic lack of motivation), and in its functional effects. An occasionally sad person is not dysfunctional, a depressed one is--depression destroys relationships and renders one incapable of performing one's duties, it is as real and serious a handicap as any physical one. Neither should depression be seen as an exaggeration of normal mental states, differing from them only quantitatively, or equated with normal reactions to particularly traumatic life events... As anyone who has experienced depression or observed closely persons suffering from depression knows, this absence of an external cause often leads the suffering individual to suspect oneself of madness."

Depression is a real and often lethal disease. Clinical depression affects not only mood and thoughts, but also the physical body. Individuals coping with depression have a higher level of stress hormones present in their bodies, and the brain scans of depression patients show decreased activity in some areas of the brain (1). 

Being depressed is not simply having a case of the blues. 

"Depressed" is not an adjective that should be thrown around lightly. Imagine if you complained to a cancer patient that you had a slight stuffy nose as they were unsure if they would be able to make it through the month alive. Now imagine you say "that's depressing" or "I just got really depressed for a sec" to someone who ACTUALLY struggles with severe depression. What a slap in the face.

As we've all heard before (yet most choose to ignore this wise advice) it is of no use to tell someone with depression that "it's all in your head," or "you should eat X and do Y workout," or "you're so miserable and negative to be around," or "you just need to think positive," ... the list goes on. (I've had some very invalidating and insulting remarks made while in a deep, deep state of suicidal depression. I'm not being overly sensitive--I will admit that I am quite the HSP and empath--but these remarks have cut me deep and only worsened the guilt which adds fuel to the depressive fire.)

So, no, being sad is not a legitimate medical illness but clinical depression most certainly is. 

There are a wide array of symptoms that can present themselves when one is depressed. For the sake of not making this a laundry list, I will list the symptoms I have experienced:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood (the empty, numb, catatonic state is the scariest to me)
• Feelings of hopelessness & pessimism (as an otherwise optimistic person)
• Irritability (more than just typical teenage angst, or in my case...22 yr-old angst?)
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, & helplessness (constantly...even when I'm doing somewhat okay)
• Loss of interest in just about everything (except puppies)
• Lack of energy; debilitating fatigue (I cannot even lift an arm or cry)
• Talking & moving very slowly (I'm talking like the sloth in ZooTopia)
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions (I have severe memory lapses...severe enough to freak out my family)
• Difficulty sleeping even though I'm exhausted OR sleeping 12+ hours a day (Nap queen)
• Lack of appetite (Not very fun when you have to eat recovery amounts of food)
• Thoughts of death or suicide, creating a suicide plan (these feel very impulsive and I can tell it is my brain malfunctioning when it gets this bad...I'm not a suicidal individual)
• Body aches, headaches, cramps, digestive problems (my GI disease worsens when I'm depressed)
• Inability to participate in life. At all. (And that's the kicker)

So why, even with all of those terrible symptoms of depression, are many individuals not recognizing it as a real disease? Why do so many poke fun at or downplay the seriousness of depression? Why are depressed individuals seen as lazy, dramatic, sensitive, dark, stupid... Why can we not call out of work depressed but a coworker can call in with a head cold? Why, with all of the information that we have on this terrible disease, is it still so misunderstood? 

As I stated in part one of this series on mental illnesses, this lack of knowledge is simply a lack of experience. One cannot truly empathize with a sufferer unless they themselves have been through the experience. I can sympathize with someone who lost their husband in a car crash but I cannot empathize. My dad can sympathize that I am struggling with a chronic illness, autoimmune issues and a wide array of mental illnesses but he cannot empathize. Our lack of experience can try to be replaced by studying and trying to understand these circumstances that we have not faced but ultimately it will never be enough. (But, that's not to say we shouldn't try to understand.) 

Unless every person on this earth were to experience depression there will be no way to ultimately end the negative stigmas surrounding the disease. (And any mental illness, for that matter.) It's unfortunate, but it is also great. Because that means that the ignorance of those who don't understand is simply a byproduct of their privilege. It is a huge privilege to not have to battle mental illness every single second of every day. Heck, I'm jealous of that privilege! So yeah, sucks for us struggling but great for those who aren't!

The crux of this post is that depression is a very real illness and must be treated as such. I don't mean treated in the medical sense, (though medical and/or behavioral intervention is often crucial) but rather in the relational sense. If you are someone who has no personal experience with depression and someone in your life struggles with it, please know that you likely will not ever understand what they face on a daily basis. Try not to get frustrated with their apparent miserable attitude or laziness. Be patient with them when they flake on you or let you down. The battle that wages in their head is large enough without the guilt put on them by those they love. They are not trying to act this way. 

I don't write all of this to make loved ones feel bad about their efforts. It takes a very patient, kind, understanding person to maintain a relationship with a depressed individual and I very much recognize that. I just know that most of the time, I wish those around me understood that I'm not acting this way because it's just who I am as a person. My heart is loving, motivated, kind, selfless, and happy. My brain, when in a depressive state, likes to act the complete opposite, try as I might to change it. But that is the nature of depression. It is truly one of the largest burdens I have had to deal with in my life. It's an illness, not a character trait. It's a disease, not a choice. It's the way my brain is currently responding to a chemical imbalance and the relationship between all of the little faulty neurons in there, not me trying to be a lazy, flaky, dark, miserable, hopeless human. 

So, yes, depression is a real illness.

References:

1.  http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/just-diagnosed-822-143.html

Read This If You're Falling Behind in Life

I know the feeling. The feeling that everyone else is ahead of you. The feeling that everyone else is doing big, fantastic things with their lives but you aren't. 

This feeling comes and goes for me--sometimes it is subtle, and other times it's almost unbearable.

I started college at 17, and even when I graduated in only 3 1/2 years I felt like everyone else was still ahead of me. I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I felt like I wouldn't ever be enough, and my constant trying was of no use.

Now as I see friends and old classmates my age and even younger getting married, starting families, traveling the world...the feeling of not being as far along in my life as I should be intensifies.

I should be married! (Thinks the girl with no boyfriend.) I want babies! (Thinks the girl who can't keep a plant alive.) I want to travel the world and see amazing places while I'm young! (Thinks the girl who has been ill for 6 months, barely able to leave bed some days.)

I'm about to tell you something only because I need to remind myself.

We all have different stories. We all are shaped by different events in our life--those we choose, and also those that choose us. It would be impossible for every single person to be on the same life path.

Aside from the fact that social media makes others' lives appear perfectly seamless, put-together, and successful, there is also the reality that they're just different.

Can you imagine how boring it would be if you walked into a library full of books, only to find that every single book was exactly the same? The books looked different, sure, but upon opening each and every book you found that the words were identical--the stories the same. 

Those people who get married at 19 aren't any 'farther along in life' than the person who is still in college working toward a degree. They're also not farther along than the person who is still saving to go to college, or even the person that decided college wasn't for them.

The person who gets a 9-5 job straight out of college isn't farther along in life than the person who decides to take a year off to travel the world. They're also not farther along than the person who spends a year doing countless interviews but can't seem to catch a break.

Those that struggle with addiction, illness, injuries, and traumatic life changes are not miles behind those who are coasting along. They're just in the middle of their story's conflict. Like any good story, the resolution will come.

There is no such thing as being 'far ahead' or 'farther along' in life because we cannot read the whole story yet. I always was the kid reading ahead to the end of the book, so this really bums me out.

There is no sense in feeling like we should be doing more, accomplishing more, or be at a different place in our lives because that's simply not how it works. (Sorry.)

I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals, work hard, and strive to better ourselves. I am saying that we are where we are in this very moment because that's just how our story goes.

You're not falling behind in life. You just have a different story.

STRESS vs. ANXIETY

The terms "stress" and "anxiety" are used interchangeably in everyday conversation. This makes me want to rip my hair out.

STRESS is a response to daily pressures. It's normal--even good, at times. 

ANXIETY has no identifiable root cause. This is because it is a LEGITIMATE mental disorder. If you say you're "so anxious because of ____" you are using the word anxiety incorrectly. You're stressed. Worried, maybe. Nervous. Overwhelmed. NOT having anxiety. If it were anxiety, you wouldn't know why you're feeling what you're feeling.

STRESS typically goes away when the stressor is taken out of the picture. If it does not completely go away, it is still drastically reduced and that reduction can be attributed to the stressor no longer being an issue.

ANXIETY usually does not go away when things change. Things can be perfectly fine and anxiety can strike-- leaving one paralyzed.

STRESS causes your blood pressure to rise due to the release of adrenaline. It can cause your heart to race and pupils to dilate, preparing to take action.

ANXIETY can be debilitating. Heart palpitations, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, anger, depersonalization, extreme panic, clenched jaws, muscle spasms, lack of oxygen, and the strongest feeling of impending doom imaginable. Obligations because impossible. Simple tasks become increasingly difficult. Talking takes all of one's energy.

STRESS is normal, and everyone experiences it regularly.

ANXIETY is not, and only 1.5% of the US population is believed to have diagnosable anxiety.

So PLEASE. Next time you or someone else uses the word "anxiety" in place of "stress", think about what that is doing. That is belittling a serious mental illness that is not even in the same zipcode as just 'being stressed.'

I'm not saying you have to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to experience it, because so many go undiagnosed. If you experience symptoms of anxiety for at least 6 months then you should absolutely TALK to someone and consider your options. Anxiety is an awful monster, but you're stronger than it. So am I. 

Let's Talk About Depression

Hi humans!

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but every time I think about starting I get stressed out. I have so many thoughts and so much I want to say, but I don't know how. I feel like I don't even have the energy to begin this post--even thinking it DRAINS me.

I feel like it's my obligation, however, to write this post. I needed a post like the one you're about to read, but I could not find anything of the like when I searched online. I have a feeling that the reason behind this is the same reason why I've been putting this off.

That said--I guess I'll start talking.

Depression wasn't something I ever understood or could grasp until recently. I was such a happy kid, and in high school I was always very happy, well-liked, and content in my mental state.

My senior year of high school I had a boyfriend that struggled with pretty bad depression, and it infuriated me. I always blamed myself-- I was frustrated when he was amidst a strong episode of depression because from the outside looking in his life was fantastic. I tried to remind him of all the good things he had in his life, and he told me that my saying that didn't help anything. I didn't understand. I wanted to, but I have learned that you simply cannot understand depression unless you have personally experienced it.

Freshman year of college was when I developed my eating disorder. The next 2 and a half years were spent struggling with anorexia--it started slow and fully engulfed me by the end of my sophomore year. I constantly denied I had a problem to others and myself because when I researched anorexia I found that those who had the disease isolated themselves, were depressed, anxious, etc. I was not that way. I went out every night, I constantly was surrounded by friends, and I was actually extremely happy--no lie. Of course, I battled body image and food demons but truly and honestly I was happy with my social life and when I laid in bed at night I was happy--certainly not depressed or anxious.

Mid-junior year when my BMI hit single digits was when I got a very harsh wake-up call: I hit rock bottom with my (lack of) food and (excessive) exercise. One night as I struggled to fall asleep after eating a large amount of food and feeling awful, I felt myself dying. I knew I would die--I'm talking in HOURS or DAYS--if I didn't make a change immediately. I give all credit to God for this strange switch in my mindset, because I know 100% I would not have been able to decide that for myself given the deep hole I was in at that point.

The next day I immediately canceled my gym membership and began eating 3,000 calories every day. I'm going to fast forward to stick with the point of this post--I gained twenty pounds within a couple of months and ever since then (this was almost a year ago) I have been in recovery, trying to gain back more weight and get my mentality "fixed."

June of this year was when I first noticed something was weird with me. I didn't feel like myself--I often felt extremely hopeless for no reason. Some days I would be fine one moment and the next I would erupt into a fury of tears, panic attacks, and shallow breathing. I found myself making excuses to leave things early or just not go because I literally could not bring myself to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I was either feeling absolute euphoria or the most wretched, painful and desperate sadness. There was absolutely no middle ground. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I didn't sleep. Ever. (I still don't.)

Upon talking to my doctor who had all along been helping me recover from anorexia, we decided that I was battling depression. It didn't shock me--I know it is prevalent in my genetics, and I already expected that diagnosis when I walked in the doors of her office that morning.

I was prescribed 7 different things over the upcoming months. Nothing worked--while one helped with my sleep, it made everything else worse. One of the medications (Prozac) gave me suicidal thoughts--something I had never experienced ever before. It terrified me and I immediately stopped any and all forms of medication. I don't like the way they make me feel.

Here's the thing I wish I would have known when I was going through this: It is EXTREMELY normal for someone that struggled with a restrictive eating disorder to be MORE depressed upon entering recovery. 

The reason for this is because while your body was starved it was not feeling. Your emotions were little to nonexistent because a starved body simply lacks the energy to provide you with a plentiful and intense array of emotions--the same reason your sex drive was low and you don't get overly excited about many things, you also likely were not ever feeling negative emotions as strongly.

Once you start providing your body with much needed fuel and energy, it begins to produce all of those hormones and emotions again. Generally this happens after a few months of re-feeding. This held true for me--I consider the first couple of months from my recovery the "honeymoon phase" because I was extremely happy, energetic, and pleased by how simple things were. I did deal with negative body thoughts regularly, but overall I was much, much happier than I was when I was dying.

After my body regained some weight, the food started serving as fuel for my brain and hormones and FEELINGS. ALL OF THE FEELINGS. This is where depression came in. 

I felt so confused at this point because first of all, things had been going SO well up until that point. Second, I felt like I was doing something wrong by recovering because I was not depressed while I was taken over by my eating disorder. It was like I traded one mental illness for another--this second one felt harder to me, so I often questioned my recovery and even sometimes would plan a relapse.

After about two months of this strange depression, things got better for a while all on their own. Maybe because I was so busy with school, working full time, etc...but it's hard to say, really. I now assume that it is simply because depression comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. How rude.

About a month or so ago, the depression came back. It came back stronger and harder than the first time. 

Again, I questioned my recovery, wondered what was wrong with me, and had life-ending thoughts that terrified me. 

My thoughts: I have a job. I'm about to graduate from college. I have the most amazing boyfriend, a house to live in, a supportive family, financial security, etc..... (I would constantly make gratitude lists and force myself to see how lucky and blessed I am, all to no avail.)

Those that I confided in with my depression did the same. Why are you sad? You have so much to be grateful for. My mom suggested it was a post-surgery depression, as can often times happen. Maybe so, maybe not.

The thing is, I'm NOT sad. I do not describe this feeling as being sad whatsoever. It's almost more of a numb feeling--talking begins to exhaust me and all I can do is sit in silence and stare. Cleaning my room becomes as challenging as running a marathon, and doing homework might as well be open-heart surgery.

Some days I don't want to live anymore. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through it--but I do. Inevitably, it comes back. It goes away, but gosh...it comes back.

I still wonder...why did I have to trade one disease for another? Why is this so hard, and why can't it be easy like everyone says? Surely I must be a strange exception for struggling with depression while in recovery from anorexia and supposedly gaining my life back...

But I'm not. I know that people struggle with this and they just don't talk about it. Because it's hard, it's shameful, it's not the norm portrayed to society...

We share our highlights with the world--the things that we're proud of, the fun things we're doing, the awards we have received...

I'm not saying this is wrong. I just am saying that I would like to share BOTH the very glamorous and the horribly ugly sides of my life. 

People don't see me as a depressed person--people see me as a happy, tiny ball of energy that likes to always tell jokes and make people laugh. I am willing to bet that no one knows I struggle with depression. Because depression isn't always what it's painted out to be: a person laying in a dark room sobbing, eating ice cream, binge-watching Netflix...

Depression is me putting on a full face of makeup, a new outfit, curling my hair and going to class. It's me hanging out with friends, walking my dog, and typing up blog posts. It's doing all these things whilst feeling like I cannot do the very thing I'm doing. It's holding back emotions and wanting to call in sick because I AM sick. But you can't call in depressed.

I would like to talk more about this. I want to show people that this is something that needs to be taken far more seriously and stop people from throwing around the term 'depressed' like it's a cool new word to say.

It's so much more complex than I could ever convey to anyone. I don't need to explain it to those who don't know what it's like--but I do need for people to understand that they do not understand. 

No questions today--just thoughts.