A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Like most of my posts, this could be triggering to those that have suffered from physical or emotional abuse.

Dear Annalise,

It hurts me to write you this letter knowing already that you will receive it six years too late. Regardless-- there are things that I wish to share with you.

You are worth so much more than you think. Your limiting beliefs regarding your self worth and capabilities have such a strong hold on you. No amount of reassurance will make you realize this yet, and you're going to settle for way less than you deserve. And you're going to settle a lot... because you don't even know that you're settling. 

You are going to make A LOT of dumb, impulsive, naive, and misinformed decisions. These decisions will lead to heavy consequences and looking back you will realize that they were mistakes. You will always realize, in hindsight, that the feeling you had before making the poor choice was your intuition telling you no. You will continue to push that voice away to receive instant gratification, pleasure, fun, and excitement. You will take a very, very long time to learn to TRUST that voice and to stop pushing it away. Even when you learn what that voice is you will struggle to listen. You're still struggling with that as you read this. Sorry 'bout it.

You are about to face the absolute best but absolute worst years of your life. The next three and a half years of college will be quite hard, but mainly carefree, blissful and FUN. College will be the best time you've experienced so far.. Don't get too excited. You will then be faced with the hardest year and a half of your life thus far. Be prepared and never give up. Sounds cheesy...but really, I'm getting to the good part eventually. Remember this: when you make it through that awful time, you will again be on the upswing.

You are going to encounter people that change you so much. You'll make best friends and lose best friends. You are going to be surrounded with several toxic people, and a handful of amazing people. You are going to think you're happy doing certain things and will later realize that you probably (read: definitely) weren't so happy after all. 

You're going to be emotionally abused. You won't recognize it as abuse and you'll continue to allow it in your life. You'll let that tear you apart until your soul is so lost that your worth is at 0% battery. When you finally break free, you'll be physically abused. You'll be sexually abused more times than one. More than two, even. That will be suffocating and that will stick with you for years before you fully process what even happened to you. I hate to mention it now, but you're still working on that one.

You're going to fall in love and be in a very supportive relationship. You'll be happier than you've ever been... You're going to be certain that he's the one. But he won't be. No, really. I know you can't fathom that at 19, 20, or 21 years old after a three year relationship--but he wasn't the one for you. He was in your life for a reason and certainly a season but you need to let go when it inevitably all comes crashing down. 

You are going to struggle a lot with an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression from 17 to 22. You're going to learn how strong you are by learning where you are weak. You will learn to identify your values as a human and you will learn that working toward your values every day will bring you closer to your true self. You will overcome these things and continue to work on them for life. Yes, you will. I promise. 

Eventually when you are almost at the age of 23 you will experience utmost serenity. You will feel a tranquil oneness--oneness with yourself. Oneness with your purpose, spirituality and the people and environment around you. You will realize that you have made it through hell and that even if you have to keep going, you can always make it through. You will become independent in every sense of the word--you will inspire others. You will use your empathy to make the world a kinder place. (You also will let your empathy turn you into an emotional sponge so be careful when you walk into a room...)

You will learn that the energy of others GREATLY affects you, and you will learn to carefully allot time to those individuals that enhance your positive energy and less time with those who drain you and drag you down. You will spend a lot of time figuring out what truly invigorates your soul and try to connect with how you were as a child. Blissful innocence. 

You will battle with quite a few health problems in the upcoming years, girl. But you always overcome them. I'm telling you right now--even the times that you technically have no heartbeat and your body should not be alive you WILL live. So don't let it scare you.

You will find yourself lying on the floor bawling too many times for me to count right now or ever. You'll also find yourself staring at a razor blade...deciding on a bottle of pills, and frantically trying to keep your car straight on the freeway so as not to crash into the divider as your brain desperately orders you to end it all. 

You're going to feel psychotic and messed up most of this time. Maybe you are. But maybe you are just the only one talking about it. Maybe you'll realize, in sharing your struggles, that there are so many others dealing with all of this same stuff, after all. Maybe you'll realize that we've been programmed as a society to do certain things and act a certain way and inevitably spend months trying to deprogram your brain from the way it was taught like Pavlov's dog what is "right" and what is "wrong". What is acceptable vs. what is unacceptable. What is fake vs. what is real. (Essentially you'll be in a state of existential crisis most of the time. It's fine.)

(All of those maybes are DEFINITELYS.)

Don't let this letter scare you. As I sit here writing this I have fought off the demons that had such an indomitable hold on me for the past few years. I sit here as a different person. I feel peace and joy and love. I AM peace, joy, and love. 

I wish I could have given you this letter sooner, Annalise...but unfortunately, I had to live it before I could write about it. Buckle up and get ready. 

Love,

Annalise

on perfectionism

The following is an excerpt from my work-in-progress self-help book, Moldy Lemons: Finding Happiness Despite Pain.

Each chapter of the book focuses on one element that can contribute to pain in one's life--be it chronic illness, mental illness, stress, and more. Each chapter talks a bit about the topic, my experience with it, and then explains to readers how we can "turn moldy lemons into lemonade" or in other words, make the best of our lives despite how much they can suck. This is the chapter titled "on perfectionism".

on perfectionism

When I was just six years old I remember stressing out immensely when the digital clock on my father’s car read “7:55” and we were just barely pulling out of the driveway. You see, the first bell, signaling that we were to walk to our classroom, rang at 7:50. The second bell, signaling that we had better get our butts in our seats, rang at 7:55. The last bell rang at 8:00, and if you weren’t in your seat by then you were marked tardy.

TARDY. A word that piqued my anxiety. A word that teachers used to refer to the bad kids—the kids who thought it was okay to wear pajama pants and have toothpaste stains on their chins. The kids that never properly (or in a timely manner) covered their books to prevent water damage. The kids that certainly didn’t decorate those properly covered books with felt pens to reflect their shining personalities like I did. Tardy was a word that I would never let anyone use in the same sentence as Annie Mishler—a tiny but mighty little first grader.

The clock read 7:55. My father was running slightly behind schedule to get together the lunches for my sisters and I, and my little six year-old heart was racing. I didn’t know it at the time, but that feeling of sheer panic, powerlessness, and despair would later get me a nice shiny diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

7:57. Okay, we only live three minutes from my elementary school. If dad drops me off at the closest gate to the playground, I can run really fast and try to make it in the door of room 8 by 7:59. Then I won’t be tardy. No, no, no...I’ll never make it. I’m going to burst through the door at 8:01 and it will be too late. My perfect record of being on time every day will be ruined. I’ll be so embarrassed and then my face will turn red and everyone will know that I’m embarrassed.

Tales of a Self-Proclaimed Perfectionist

My parents never forced me to be perfect. I was never told that I had to get straight A’s or perfect attendance or be valedictorian. Those were just things that I did because I knew I had to. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Because if I didn’t, the world would obviously end.

My parents actually encouraged me to care less about all of those things. They encouraged me to just focus on doing my best. Um, hello? I am doing my best. My best just happens to be perfection, and if I fall short of perfection then I am not doing my best. Why can’t you understand that? Why am I the only one that gets that?

It wasn’t just school. I went to my first ballet class when I was three years old, and from that point forward I had to be the best dancer. Ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical, hip-hop...I had to be the best. I tried out for my high school’s dance team as an 8th grader so that I could be the only freshman on the team the following year. All throughout my career of dancing I had to make sure I was the best. Front and center. Always on count. Never missing a beat, forgetting a move or falling out of a turn. Until my resignation from formal dance lessons at age 18 you better believe I made sure I was the best. Thankfully, for the sake of my psyche, I was naturally gifted as a dancer. I can’t imagine how things would have ended up if I had two left feet.

I started piano lessons when I was six. Much like dance, I had to be the best. I was given a few pieces to practice each week at my lesson, and the next week I would play the pieces for my teacher. The other students would repeat this process a number of times until they finally had the songs down. Me? I made sure I had them perfect by the next lesson, so that I could get more songs. Then, I made sure those were perfect because if I messed up while playing a song for my teacher the world would obviously end. Much like dancing, playing the piano came naturally to me. Again, I cannot imagine the inner turmoil I would have faced if I was tone deaf or if my brain didn’t double as a metronome.

Soccer. Volleyball. Running. The spelling bee. (First place reigning champion every year...just saying.) Art class. These are all things I had to be the best at or it wasn’t even worth trying.

Track and field. Singing. Girl’s wrestling. Three things that I was not the best at, and so I simply quit. (To be fair, there was no one else in my weight class so I never really got a chance to be the best wrestler.)

The point I’m trying to illustrate is that all my life I legitimately thought that I had to be the best. It was not even that I wanted to be the best—I had to be. There was no part of my brain that told me that simply trying was enough. It was all or nothing. (If you ever wondered how I ended up with an eating disorder...)

Perfectionism is Evil

The word ‘perfectionist’ is sometimes used, and viewed, in a positive light. Folks will describe themselves as a perfectionist, say, in a job interview, in order to convince the interviewer that they will get the job done and be the best choice for said job. Here’s why that’s not a good thing.

Perfectionism is evil. Anyone who attaches the word ‘perfectionist’ to themselves and doesn’t also struggle with extreme stress, guilt, and rigidity is simply using the word incorrectly. That person probably is very hardworking and driven—anal, even—but not a perfectionist.

Perfectionism only leads to anxiety. It will not motivate you. It will not reward you. It does not make you perfect or better than anyone else. It will never satisfy you. It will leave you constantly grasping for air, but you’ll never be able to take a full, deep breath.

Those of us with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) typically struggle with perfectionism. If we’re not being the best, we are overcome with anxiety. Oddly enough, even when we are, in our minds, being the best, we are still overcome with anxiety. Because there’s always something that we’re not doing well enough. The next thing is already in our minds and we’re formulating 6,000 different reasons why we are likely to fail.

I cannot speak to social anxiety because despite my anxiety-ridden brain I am a social butterfly. Somehow, all throughout my childhood and adolescence I still had fantastic friendships and relationships despite my drive to be the best. Maybe I also had to be the best friend? The best girlfriend? The most bubbly and outgoing? Who knows.

Let’s Make Some Lemonade

In striving for happiness and peace in our lives we must let go of the notion that everything can be perfect. We must realize that we simply cannot always be the best and that is okay. Sometimes we may not even try to do our best! Guess what? That’s okay, too! Everyone gets lazy. We are only human, after all.

I know it is easier said than done to tell a perfectionist to ‘just loosen up’. But I’m going to tell you anyway. Just loosen up. How do you expect to make sweet lemonade if you’re not even allowing yourself to taste it? Are you just trusting everyone else that says it tastes sweet and delicious?

There is life out there to be lived, and you cannot fully experience life if you are so wrapped up in being the best at everything.

Maybe you feel like this doesn’t apply to you because you only feel that you are the best in one area of your life. Maybe you’re the most fit person you know. Maybe you devote your life to fitness and claim it is your passion. Maybe you actually believe that it is your calling to diet for weeks and flaunt your body on a stage wearing 2 square inches of fabric. Maybe you have literally fooled yourself into thinking that fitness is life.

Maybe it’s your business. Or running. Or pole dancing. Or baking. Whatever it is that you think you have to be the BEST at—stop thinking that! There is more to life than just one thing, and you will never understand that until you just loosen up.

So please, don’t use ‘perfectionist’ as a trait on your resume. If anything—use it as a descriptor of your weakness when you’re inevitably asked that question in a job interview. (That question is the worst for a true perfectionist. What’s my weakness? Um, I have none. Move along.)

Oh, and if you’re wondering—I made it on time to class that day. And every other day for the rest of my student life.

I can't wait to get this book published and on bookshelves! For now, this is all ya get ;)

STRESS vs. ANXIETY

The terms "stress" and "anxiety" are used interchangeably in everyday conversation. This makes me want to rip my hair out.

STRESS is a response to daily pressures. It's normal--even good, at times. 

ANXIETY has no identifiable root cause. This is because it is a LEGITIMATE mental disorder. If you say you're "so anxious because of ____" you are using the word anxiety incorrectly. You're stressed. Worried, maybe. Nervous. Overwhelmed. NOT having anxiety. If it were anxiety, you wouldn't know why you're feeling what you're feeling.

STRESS typically goes away when the stressor is taken out of the picture. If it does not completely go away, it is still drastically reduced and that reduction can be attributed to the stressor no longer being an issue.

ANXIETY usually does not go away when things change. Things can be perfectly fine and anxiety can strike-- leaving one paralyzed.

STRESS causes your blood pressure to rise due to the release of adrenaline. It can cause your heart to race and pupils to dilate, preparing to take action.

ANXIETY can be debilitating. Heart palpitations, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, anger, depersonalization, extreme panic, clenched jaws, muscle spasms, lack of oxygen, and the strongest feeling of impending doom imaginable. Obligations because impossible. Simple tasks become increasingly difficult. Talking takes all of one's energy.

STRESS is normal, and everyone experiences it regularly.

ANXIETY is not, and only 1.5% of the US population is believed to have diagnosable anxiety.

So PLEASE. Next time you or someone else uses the word "anxiety" in place of "stress", think about what that is doing. That is belittling a serious mental illness that is not even in the same zipcode as just 'being stressed.'

I'm not saying you have to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to experience it, because so many go undiagnosed. If you experience symptoms of anxiety for at least 6 months then you should absolutely TALK to someone and consider your options. Anxiety is an awful monster, but you're stronger than it. So am I. 

What Really Matters Doesn't Really Even Matter

I find it both interesting and disturbing that often, the things we think about, stress about and make ourselves sick over are the least important things in our lives.

So many people make their lives about weight loss and fitness--sometimes this escalates to a place of obsession and disorder. Sometimes the damage is irreversible without extreme intervention and help. Sometimes this causes them to burn out and rebound in the opposite direction. All of the time, it causes shame, guilt, and unhappiness.

So many of us spend 85% of our waking hours focused on how we physically appear to others or how we portray ourselves on our various social media platforms--in general, we are extremely hyper-focused on what others may think of us. 

Far too often we make ourselves sick over getting everything done. We wake up with a "To Do" list that competes with a Tolkien novel. Unless we check off every item on that list we view ourselves as a failure. We weren't as productive as we could've been--as we should've been.

We always want the next best thing--the newest phone, nicest clothes, trendy accessories, ridiculously priced celebrity lip kit...

We stress about the money that we need to attain all of these luxuries that are no longer viewed as luxuries--no, they're now necessities. We need these things in order to thrive. In order to show the world that we mean something. 

The cleanest, most non-GMO, organic, vegan lunch. The flat stomach and huge round butt. The big plump lips. The designer clothes and shoes. The perfect Instagram aesthetic. The whitest teeth and softest, longest hair. The fastest car. The 5-day juice cleanse that really should just come with a warning or an adult diaper. The most followers. The perfect job. The tannest skin. More. More. More!

I find it so very intriguing that the things we place the most focus on are the things that do not matter.

Imagine if we all stressed over the amount of good deeds we did that day instead of how terrible our new haircut looks?

Picture a world where people have extreme anxiety over the fact that many people on this planet are starving, dying of disease, and homeless, instead of anxiety over an acne breakout or a text message with no response. (Or worse: 'K')

Pretend that we spent our free hours writing letters to those we miss, spending 100% quality, undivided time with family and loved ones, or serving those in need rather than scrolling through Instagram, online shopping for more things to stress about, and working overtime to make more money to BUY more things to stress about.

What if we simply took all of the wasted time, energy, and mental strain that we place on these unimportant things and replaced them with lovely, beautiful, meaningful things?

Your body, your possessions, your social status...none of these things will be with you when you die. Heck, they won't even be here next year, because we are always changing, evolving, growing...

Spend less time focused on the things that do not matter. Spend more time doing things to enrich your soul and the souls of those around you. When you do this, you will find that the things that really mattered before are a grain of sand on the beach of our lives. When you do this, you will find happiness without even searching for it. 

The sooner we can realize that what 'matters' doesn't really even matter, the sooner we can be happy. The sooner we can actually live our lives. The sooner we can be free.

What Makes You Think You're So Special?

What makes you think you're so special?

What makes you think that you're different? Unique? An exception to the rules? 

Why do you think that everyone else deserves happiness but you don't? Why do you invariably sell yourself short of the wonderful things that life has to offer because you don't believe you're worthy?

Why do you allow your brain to lie to you? To make you feel small?

Why do you assume that everyone else is capable of being loved but you are not? Is it because you think you are different? Unique? An exception?

Why do you read the tales of others who find happiness and create exquisite lives and tell yourself that it is simply not attainable for you?

Why do you continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors despite the lack of fulfillment--the desolation it leaves in your soul?

Why do you compare yourself to everyone else and categorically place yourself below them?

Why is it okay for you to cater to others' wants and needs, yet neglect and destroy your own? Why is it fine to lift up others but kick yourself down?

Is it because you think you're different? Unique? An exception?

What makes you think you're so special?

...

The ironic and inescapable narcissism of depression breaks my heart.

You are special. But not in the way that you think.

You are so special, in fact, that you deserve the utmost amount of happiness in the universe. You can attain the same joy and love that you view in the lives of others.