Living Your Truth

"There comes a point where you have to realize that you have to stop doing things to make your parents happy."

My older sister said those words to me a few weeks ago as I sat in her chair at the salon, head covered in foil. I carried that seemingly simple sentence around with me for weeks after we had a conversation that really changed the way that I now think about things.

We were discussing the immense progress I've made over the past year--through illness, several hospital stays, mental health crises, and more. As I shared what I had gone through the past few months with my sister, she stopped me.

I had just finished saying, "I want to do ____, but mom and dad would shoot me." 

That's when she uttered the words that I opened this post with--that's what kickstarted my major epiphany that I've been tirelessly sifting through these past few weeks. 

For almost 23 years I've made nearly every decision with not just my parents, but everyone else, in the forefront of my mind. If I do this, then they'll be upset. If I do that, then they'll make fun of me. If I don't do this, they'll stop supporting me. The list goes on... And so many times when I DID do the thing that elicited fear in me out of what my parents or others would think, their reaction would only confirm my hesitation in the first place. 

I realized that there were very few decisions made driven by pure passion, truth, and interest on my part. I don't have to hold the same beliefs as my parents, friends, acquaintances, or anyone else for that matter. I don't have to do what's considered "typical." I don't have to adhere to a timeline set by myself or anyone else because I've been brainwashed into conforming to some strange societal norm.

So many things we do every day are based on norms, and what is or is not acceptable. Even something like marriage--who says you have to get married? Who says you have to have kids? Or work a 9-5, conventional job straight out of college? Why is that just what's kind of...expected? Why am I feeling bad for not being married yet because so many of my peers are? That's absurd. My soul doesn't feel bad about that at all. My soul is like, "Yeah, I love being single. I'm way too freakin' independent and free-spirited to want marriage right now." I graduated from college almost two years ago and I'm not working a typical full time job. So? There's not some giant timeline that we're all supposed to follow. We're just conditioned to think that there is, and anything else is just outrageous and stupid. 

I'm not going to go into all of the strange realizations I've made or all of the digging and discovering I've done over the past few weeks. We all have to realize things for ourselves. But I do want to say that it's so extremely important to find out what we believe, pursue it, and live it. Live our truth.

I've been living my truth. I've been researching, learning, filling my brain with knowledge and using that knowledge to form educated opinions. Opinions and beliefs I "held" previously surrounding religion, politics, the environment, etc. have changed immensely simply because I found out for myself what I believe to be true. It wasn't that I had set in stone opinions before, I just didn't take the time to figure anything out so I rode on loved ones' coattails. 

I've been creating--I LOVE Youtube and social media, and despite what anyone else says or thinks I know that my use of both of those outlets helps not only others but myself. The transformation photo/caption I posted went VIRAL and made over 2.3 million impressions on Instagram. Since then, I've received an THOUSANDS of emails, direct messages, comments, etc. from people asking for help and advice. I absolutely love connecting with people and being able to inspire them. There's nothing WRONG with that. I shouldn't feel BAD about that, or let someone tell me that posting "half naked" photos is indicative of being a hoe when the purpose of the photo is to help those that struggle with eating disorders or self harm. Like, what? No. I'm done holding back to protect a certain image of myself, family, or otherwise. 

I've been going to therapy! There's absolutely nothing wrong with therapy. In fact, I wish every person on the planet had the opportunity to see a therapist a few times a month. I learn a lot about myself, my upbringing, and my values in my therapy sessions. 

I'm collaborating with companies and brands that I BELIEVE in, not just ones that will pay good money.

I've been doing things that keep my brain thinking, staying connected to others and making new connections and planning, but not obsessing over, my future plans. 

I've been so much less anxious and not depressed at all. For that I owe nutritional rehabilitation, therapy, medication, and simply waking the f**k up. Life is BEAUTIFUL. I have SO MANY THINGS I am going to do with my life. Helping others is one of the values that I hold highest...why on earth would I hold back?

I visited Los Angeles for a few days last week and stayed with that same older sister that gave me advice a few weeks ago. We had a blast together--we hung out, talked, I met up with friends in the area, I went to Disneyland, I went dancing... it was the best weekend I've had in a very, VERY long time. I felt like MYSELF. 

We talked a lot about what I want to do--with my blog, Youtube, a podcast, and taking on clients for an exciting new project. I also met up with Amanda Bucci before leaving LA and we talked about these things, as well. My eyes light up and I get butterflies when I think about doing these things that I love so much.

Several times during my stay my sister told me how she could tell that I was so happy and that my soul belonged in LA. I couldn't agree more. Normally when I'm boarding a plane to fly home I'm ready to be home and I'm done being out of my routine...but not this time. I wanted to cry boarding that plane. I've been wanting to move down there for over a year now, but due to all of my health problems I couldn't. Until now. 

I can think of a few reasons why I shouldn't move down there--why I should just stay in Northern California, get a full time job, play it safe...but that's NOT what I want to do. That's not what will make my soul happy. That won't serve me. That will create anxiety, stress, depression, and lack of fulfillment. 

I can think of A BILLION reasons why I should move there! My sister, so many friends and connections, so much opportunity in the field that I desire to work, so much opportunity for collaboration with likeminded individuals. So much potential. I have so much love to give and as an empath I need to be around others like myself. It's a different vibe where I live now.

I'm done playing it safe and living in a way that makes no sense for me. I don't want to do things in a conservative, old fashioned way. I am going to thrive. I am going to live my truth, help others, and do me. I'm a special soul, and I'm not going to let it go to waste. 

Shoutout to all of the other special souls out there who realize how weird it is that we're conditioned to do the things we do. Let's band together and start doing the opposite. :p

Let's Talk About Depression

Hi humans!

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but every time I think about starting I get stressed out. I have so many thoughts and so much I want to say, but I don't know how. I feel like I don't even have the energy to begin this post--even thinking it DRAINS me.

I feel like it's my obligation, however, to write this post. I needed a post like the one you're about to read, but I could not find anything of the like when I searched online. I have a feeling that the reason behind this is the same reason why I've been putting this off.

That said--I guess I'll start talking.

Depression wasn't something I ever understood or could grasp until recently. I was such a happy kid, and in high school I was always very happy, well-liked, and content in my mental state.

My senior year of high school I had a boyfriend that struggled with pretty bad depression, and it infuriated me. I always blamed myself-- I was frustrated when he was amidst a strong episode of depression because from the outside looking in his life was fantastic. I tried to remind him of all the good things he had in his life, and he told me that my saying that didn't help anything. I didn't understand. I wanted to, but I have learned that you simply cannot understand depression unless you have personally experienced it.

Freshman year of college was when I developed my eating disorder. The next 2 and a half years were spent struggling with anorexia--it started slow and fully engulfed me by the end of my sophomore year. I constantly denied I had a problem to others and myself because when I researched anorexia I found that those who had the disease isolated themselves, were depressed, anxious, etc. I was not that way. I went out every night, I constantly was surrounded by friends, and I was actually extremely happy--no lie. Of course, I battled body image and food demons but truly and honestly I was happy with my social life and when I laid in bed at night I was happy--certainly not depressed or anxious.

Mid-junior year when my BMI hit single digits was when I got a very harsh wake-up call: I hit rock bottom with my (lack of) food and (excessive) exercise. One night as I struggled to fall asleep after eating a large amount of food and feeling awful, I felt myself dying. I knew I would die--I'm talking in HOURS or DAYS--if I didn't make a change immediately. I give all credit to God for this strange switch in my mindset, because I know 100% I would not have been able to decide that for myself given the deep hole I was in at that point.

The next day I immediately canceled my gym membership and began eating 3,000 calories every day. I'm going to fast forward to stick with the point of this post--I gained twenty pounds within a couple of months and ever since then (this was almost a year ago) I have been in recovery, trying to gain back more weight and get my mentality "fixed."

June of this year was when I first noticed something was weird with me. I didn't feel like myself--I often felt extremely hopeless for no reason. Some days I would be fine one moment and the next I would erupt into a fury of tears, panic attacks, and shallow breathing. I found myself making excuses to leave things early or just not go because I literally could not bring myself to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I was either feeling absolute euphoria or the most wretched, painful and desperate sadness. There was absolutely no middle ground. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling. I didn't sleep. Ever. (I still don't.)

Upon talking to my doctor who had all along been helping me recover from anorexia, we decided that I was battling depression. It didn't shock me--I know it is prevalent in my genetics, and I already expected that diagnosis when I walked in the doors of her office that morning.

I was prescribed 7 different things over the upcoming months. Nothing worked--while one helped with my sleep, it made everything else worse. One of the medications (Prozac) gave me suicidal thoughts--something I had never experienced ever before. It terrified me and I immediately stopped any and all forms of medication. I don't like the way they make me feel.

Here's the thing I wish I would have known when I was going through this: It is EXTREMELY normal for someone that struggled with a restrictive eating disorder to be MORE depressed upon entering recovery. 

The reason for this is because while your body was starved it was not feeling. Your emotions were little to nonexistent because a starved body simply lacks the energy to provide you with a plentiful and intense array of emotions--the same reason your sex drive was low and you don't get overly excited about many things, you also likely were not ever feeling negative emotions as strongly.

Once you start providing your body with much needed fuel and energy, it begins to produce all of those hormones and emotions again. Generally this happens after a few months of re-feeding. This held true for me--I consider the first couple of months from my recovery the "honeymoon phase" because I was extremely happy, energetic, and pleased by how simple things were. I did deal with negative body thoughts regularly, but overall I was much, much happier than I was when I was dying.

After my body regained some weight, the food started serving as fuel for my brain and hormones and FEELINGS. ALL OF THE FEELINGS. This is where depression came in. 

I felt so confused at this point because first of all, things had been going SO well up until that point. Second, I felt like I was doing something wrong by recovering because I was not depressed while I was taken over by my eating disorder. It was like I traded one mental illness for another--this second one felt harder to me, so I often questioned my recovery and even sometimes would plan a relapse.

After about two months of this strange depression, things got better for a while all on their own. Maybe because I was so busy with school, working full time, etc...but it's hard to say, really. I now assume that it is simply because depression comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. How rude.

About a month or so ago, the depression came back. It came back stronger and harder than the first time. 

Again, I questioned my recovery, wondered what was wrong with me, and had life-ending thoughts that terrified me. 

My thoughts: I have a job. I'm about to graduate from college. I have the most amazing boyfriend, a house to live in, a supportive family, financial security, etc..... (I would constantly make gratitude lists and force myself to see how lucky and blessed I am, all to no avail.)

Those that I confided in with my depression did the same. Why are you sad? You have so much to be grateful for. My mom suggested it was a post-surgery depression, as can often times happen. Maybe so, maybe not.

The thing is, I'm NOT sad. I do not describe this feeling as being sad whatsoever. It's almost more of a numb feeling--talking begins to exhaust me and all I can do is sit in silence and stare. Cleaning my room becomes as challenging as running a marathon, and doing homework might as well be open-heart surgery.

Some days I don't want to live anymore. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through it--but I do. Inevitably, it comes back. It goes away, but gosh...it comes back.

I still wonder...why did I have to trade one disease for another? Why is this so hard, and why can't it be easy like everyone says? Surely I must be a strange exception for struggling with depression while in recovery from anorexia and supposedly gaining my life back...

But I'm not. I know that people struggle with this and they just don't talk about it. Because it's hard, it's shameful, it's not the norm portrayed to society...

We share our highlights with the world--the things that we're proud of, the fun things we're doing, the awards we have received...

I'm not saying this is wrong. I just am saying that I would like to share BOTH the very glamorous and the horribly ugly sides of my life. 

People don't see me as a depressed person--people see me as a happy, tiny ball of energy that likes to always tell jokes and make people laugh. I am willing to bet that no one knows I struggle with depression. Because depression isn't always what it's painted out to be: a person laying in a dark room sobbing, eating ice cream, binge-watching Netflix...

Depression is me putting on a full face of makeup, a new outfit, curling my hair and going to class. It's me hanging out with friends, walking my dog, and typing up blog posts. It's doing all these things whilst feeling like I cannot do the very thing I'm doing. It's holding back emotions and wanting to call in sick because I AM sick. But you can't call in depressed.

I would like to talk more about this. I want to show people that this is something that needs to be taken far more seriously and stop people from throwing around the term 'depressed' like it's a cool new word to say.

It's so much more complex than I could ever convey to anyone. I don't need to explain it to those who don't know what it's like--but I do need for people to understand that they do not understand. 

No questions today--just thoughts.

Friendly Reminders

Hi humans!

Today, I have some friendly reminders for you all.

1. Just because fruit has sugar does not make it "bad." If you're restricting fruit from your diet because someone told you bananas are high in sugar--I'm sorry. Whoever told you that was misinformed and clearly unaware that fruit is, in fact, healthy for you. 

2. If someone is being rude to you and you feel awful about yourself after, remember that their actions are solely a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I know for a fact that I'm sassier to my boyfriend when I'm having a bad body image day, or am not feeling 100% mentally. Don't let mean people get you down.

3. Serving other people will make you feel better. If you're having a bad day I can almost guarantee that it will make you feel a thousand times better if you go out of your way to do something for someone else. It doesn't even have to be huge! Something as simple as writing a note, giving a call, or baking cookies for a friend...doing these things literally releases happy hormones into that bod of yours.

4. You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. I know you've heard it before, but honestly--you don't. When I was little, this phrase had a different meaning. It was what my mom told me when I wanted the new, cool toy. Now, it means that I don't have to follow the diet trend, fashion fad, or workout regimen that is being portrayed by society as the "the thing to do." Nope! You don't have to do it. I promise.

5. The people who care about you will not think that you're a burden if you ask for help. If you need help, ASK. 

6. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to alter plans that you have had for a long, long time. You do not have to finish everything you start. Doing so does not make you a failure--would you rather drive all the way down the wrong road, only to have to come back...or would you rather make a u-turn as soon as possible? 

7. No number can define you. Not weight, height, age, waist size, GPA, salary, debt...no. Numbers mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. As hard as this is because we tend to put numbers as #1 in our efforts, it's important to remember that a number really is silly and meaningless. 

8. You don't have to "deserve" a food, and similarly, you don't have to burn of anything you eat that you consider "bad." Balance is a term that is emphasized a lot nowadays--my thoughts? I say screw balance. If you want to eat a gallon of ice cream sometimes, do it. If you want to skip the gym for a year, do it. Do what makes you feel good, and don't justify everything you do by saying #balance. 

9. You're hot. Really, look at that butt. Work it, sista. (Or brotha.)